Nursery Project: Aspen Mobile

So while I'm busy doing things like snuggling the cutest baby alive and working on writing his birth story, I figured I'd share the nursery projects with you that I've been working on in the past few months to get ready for Lincoln's arrival. 

I don't pretend like I'm writing these up as I try to get spit up out of my hair, I did write them ahead of time in hopes to share them with you as I adjusted to being a mom.

I love these projects. Mostly because they're almost free and filled with love and easy. But also because I love how they came out.

So originally I planned to make a little mobile by taking apart the garland made of wooden carved things. I was going to hang the little moose and bear and pine cones by aspen tree branches and it was going to be very outdoorsy.

Then I decided I wanted to use the carved garland somewhere else. And I decided that the little wooden things probably wouldn't be as exciting as a lighter paper mobile that would twirl in the breeze. Right?

And then sitting at my desk one day I had the best idea! If the aspen twigs were going to be the 'base' of the mobile then why couldn't I make aspen leaves as the rest of the mobile.

I loooove aspen leaves. I love how they dance in the wind and look kind of like confetti or sparkles when they shake. Perfect for a mobile!

So I got some card stock and I got my handy dandy watercolor set out. This set is from first or third grade. If you look close you can see my skilled artistic work from third grade when I decided to paint little roses on the case. I actually bought a new one of these for when I hand painted my wedding invitations, you know, for like $1 and I've yet to open it. These things last forever.

I painted white card stock with a mix of green and yellow, but mostly green. I'm sure you could take the time to hand paint each leaf once they are cut but this worked out great. I hand cut each leaf so I didn't feel the need to spend extra hours painting.

I searched online for a good paper punch that would cut the card stock for me in the shape of an aspen leaf, but no luck. All the leaf punches had very different leaf shapes. So I drew the shape I wanted and glued a few pieces of card stock together to make the paper thick. Then I just exacto-knifed out a little stencil.

Then I got to tracing. I used a pencil so that if there were lines left on the leaves once I cut them, that I could just erase them off. I will add that my leaf stencil was not completely symmetrical (on purpose) and so I did half the leaves with the stencil face up and half the leaves with the stencil face down. You'll see why in a bit. I got about 25 leaves per page. And I got about 25 hand cramps per page too...

Then I had my cute little leaves. I made 50 green fronts, 50 green backs, and 12 yellow fronts and 12 yellow backs.

Just like my pennant garland, I set out the leaves before I started gluing to make sure I liked the way the leaves were spaced.

Then I got smart and realized I needed to put them on the ground white side up so I could just glue the 'back leaf' on without flipping everything over. I also realized I need to mark the yellow leaves so I could make sure their back matched yellow too. Learning as I went...

So now maybe you understand why I said 'front' and 'back.' Each leaf front was glued to a leaf back and the string was glued in the center of the two pieces. I realize I could have just painted both sides of one sheet of paper, but I didn't want the string to show. I ended up using 5mm clear elastic as my 'string.' I was going to use fishing line but I didn't have any in the house and I liked the way this came out. Because the elastic is so bouncy and light, the leaves fall and spin so nicely

When it was time to put everything together, I simply tied each string of leaves to one of the three aspen sticks I had. Then I found the center of the stick (using my finger as a balance) and I used one string to tie all the three sticks together. The balancing act took a little work, but because I used elastic and hadn't glued anything yet I just slid the strings back and forth until it was all balanced. If you look closely you can see the strings.

Note: You may notice that I didn't clip the ends off the strings yet. I'm 'test-hanging' the mobile now to see how well the knots stay. I figure if one comes untied that I'll need to change something. I will say that I used a screw with a little loop on the end to hang it from the ceiling. I tied my knots tight and I used proper 'elastic-tying' knots. I heard that I can use super glue to dot on the knots to make them stay tied so I may try that too if needed.

The big thing is that for safety, this mobile is hanging over the changing table. I didn't really want to hang a DIY mobile over the crib where something could possibly fall at night. I'm just too paranoid. But I have heard that mobiles over changing tables are great for giving baby something to look at while changing diapers. It's also close enough to the crib where baby can see it from the crib too.

They say you should look at your mobile from the bottom too to get a 'baby's eye' look at it.

It dances like the aspens in Colorado that I love so very much. I think it's wonderful. At least it's exactly what I imagined, so to me that's perfect.

Nursery Project: Painting a Boat

So while I'm busy doing things like snuggling the cutest baby alive and working on writing his birth story, I figured I'd share the nursery projects with you that I've been working on in the past few months to get ready for Lincoln's arrival. 

I don't pretend like I'm writing these up as I try to get spit up out of my hair, I did write them ahead of time in hopes to share them with you as I adjusted to being a mom.

I love these projects. Mostly because they're almost free and filled with love and easy. But also because I love how they came out.

So Kyle has had this boat shelf thing for a while now. Apparently he once got it at a garage sale before I met him and I'm not sure if he's ever used it. A year or so ago he tried to convince me to sell in in our own garage sale, but I was thinking 'someday baby boy room!' in my little scheming head. So we kept it.

And once I realized we could use the boat for the nursery this time around I pulled it out. ...Maybe a little less than impressed.

So I came up with a plan to paint the boat to match the nursery a little better and so that the boat wouldn't look so 'old and rustic.' I was going for 'fresh and clean.' So I taped up the edges and the front opening and I spray painted the 'base' of the boat a nice navy blue. Krylon ColorMaster Oxford Blue in Satin and I even found it right on the shelf in Wal-Mart.

I painted multiple thin coats until I felt the color was true. No, I did not prime the boat because I don't really think it will take a beating like a desk or table would, but I did wipe it down with a damp cloth before I taped it.

Then came the trim. I pulled out my old can of Valspar Ultra in Ultra White Semi-Gloss. I had the can left over from painting the dresser for the nursery and our headboard last year. Apparently a gallon goes a long way when painting furniture.

I taped off the edges and used one of my little craft brushes to do the small job. It took two or three coats because I was painting white over such a dark color. I will tell you though that some of the paint seeped under the edges of the tape and I was quite disappointed with the line. I touched it up a bit, but sometimes I really do prefer free handing rather than using tape.

And then I stared at the little boat proudly as I literally watched the paint dry. All while wearing my huge respirator mask of course.

I left the paint in the garage to cure for a few days before bringing it into the nursery. I didn't want the nursery to be all 'fumey' and I wanted the paint to be nice and hard. I did add little felt pieces to the bottom of the boat shelf using double sided tape because I wanted to protect the dresser. The boat had hooks for it to hang on the wall, but I liked the look of it sitting on the dresser better than hanging on the wall.

I reattached the fishing pole and oar and we were in business. What do you think?

You can see in this next photo where I painted a blue stripe on the oar. As I was putting the oar back on I realized that it had a green stripe on it. So I quickly taped the lines and blasted a little spray paint on the oar to match the boat. The painter's tape does work wonders for clean lines with spray paint.

And to think we were just going to sell this little boat in a garage sale... Where would we have put little Baby Hess' black bear and Hess cars?

The nursery is really starting to come together. (You know, once I clean all those boxes out of the crib). Oh I can't wait to bring our little boy into his little boy nursery!

Nursery Project: New Print

So while I'm busy doing things like snuggling the cutest baby alive and working on writing his birth story, I figured I'd share the nursery projects with you that I've been working on in the past few months to get ready for Lincoln's arrival. 

I don't pretend like I'm writing these up as I try to get spit up out of my hair, I did write them ahead of time in hopes to share them with you as I adjusted to being a mom.

I love these projects. Mostly because they're almost free and filled with love and easy. But also because I love how they came out.

So I love the old vintage National Park posters. Do you know the ones I'm talking about? Some are actually vintage and others are newer signs made to look like the old ones. Like this one of the Grand Canyon.

So I set out to find a great poster for the nursery, but soon realized that I didn't want a sign of a National Park. I wanted a sign from a peak or a lake in Colorado where we live in the summers. So I figured I'd have to make my own.

I found a picture I took from this summer of Lake San Cristobal in Lake City where we take our guests to kayak during the summer. And then I (lacking any real fancy editing software) I used Picasa and Microsoft Word to pull this off.

Here's what we started with.

So I pulled it into Picasa and used the "Posterize" effect to get what I wanted. I chose a limited number of colors and just committed to the 'cartoon' look.

Then I adjusted the colors to what I liked. I was looking for something to not look too realistic but still be beautiful like the lake truly is. I know I could have gone more beige and vintage with it, but the nursery runs on bright white so the off-whiteness of the vintage look just didn't make much sense.

I tried to figure out how to add words right there in Picasa, but I don't think they have that option (or at least I couldn't find it). So I inserted the photo into good ole Microsoft Word and added the text I wanted.

I sized the page to legal size because my image was much longer than it was wide and I could get a bigger print that way. I just printed it on the printer on regular paper to see how the quality came out. I figured if I didn't like it I could always send it to a print shop and get it made on nice paper, but since it was going behind glass anyway I liked it just the way it was.

But before I framed it, I stopped.

This print would replace the picture I hung in Hannah's nursery last year. I took one last look at that frame with the pictures of my family. The ladies that I wanted so badly for Hannah to recognize and talk about as she woke up and looked at each morning. And I smiled because I know she gets to see two of them in ways I can't. I'm sure they're all running around heaven bragging on her and showing her off and pinching her cheeks like good grandmothers do. (The other lady in the picture is still living, by the way, I didn't want you to think I meant she went somewhere else!)

And then I slipped the picture out of the frame. And I put the new one in. And then for good measure I decided to leave the old picture in the back of the frame.

Sure there are new things coming, but that doesn't mean we don't still love the old ones.

Thirty Six Weeks: Happy Birthday Lincoln

November 4, 2014

Thirty Six Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

Happy Birthday.


I've been waiting.

I've been praying.

For longer than you know I've waited to hold you in my arms and I've waited for your eyes to look back into mine.

And today, today you woke me up so very early in the morning. And without words you told us you were coming. Last night your dad and I talked about the month to come as we imagined the next four weeks waiting for you. But you came today.

Today I held you in my arms and I fell in love with you.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy, you are everything I've waited for, everything I've prayed for, everything I pleaded with the Lord for in the months that have seemed like years of waiting.

I'm not sure you'll ever understand how many places you fill in my heart. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to explain the healing you have brought to our home. You will forever be Hannah's little brother, and that means more to me than you will ever be able to comprehend.

"In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I called. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry came to his ears.
2 Samuel 22:7

I called out to the Lord and he heard my cry. You, sweet Lincoln, just like your sister, you are picture of God's goodness and his grace, his never-ending never-failing all-consuming love, his perfect plan.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I have prayed without ceasing, and today I cry out to the Lord in thanksgiving. For I have spent months rejoicing in my suffering, and now I rejoice in the life that you have been given, the opportunity that I have been given to love you every moment of every day.

I pray for you today, sweet Lincoln. First that you will know the Lord, that you will know his great, great love and that you will accept his love and salvation and spend your life following Him. Second, that you would be safe, that I would never lose you, that you would live a most healthy, long life, and honestly that I would never have to bury you. I don't think my heart would make it.

I pray for the wife you will someday fall in love with and marry. I pray for the friends that will influence you more in your teenage years than I ever can. I pray for your summers in Colorado, that you would enjoy the adventure and not hate us for taking you from your friends every summer.

At night I quite often pray that you'll sleep well. I pray that you'll stop crying. And then in the silence I pray that you'll make a little noise so that I know you're still breathing.

Today I fought for you. I became your mother and I made sure the doctors and the nurses were taking the very best care of you. When they wouldn't let me hold you I held your tiny little hand and when they wouldn't let me feed you I begged to be a part.

I'll always be there. I'll be there so much for you that it'll be embarrassing sometimes I'm sure, but I can't help it.

I'm your mother.

I'll always want to hold your hand and be a part of your life. I pray, even today, for the day that I'll have to let you grow up. For the day my heart will break just a little because you won't be my little baby anymore.

But today's not that day. Today is your birthday. And I won't let you grow up just yet.

Love always, more than you will ever know,
Mom

Thirty Five Weeks: Skelly in the Belly

Our sweet little Lincoln arrived early on Tuesday November 4th. Oh we are so in love. While I'm away staring at my baby while he sleeps, we'll catch up to birth day with the weekly posts. With him coming four weeks early, we have a bit of catching up to do!

October 31, 2014

Thirty Five Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

Happy Halloween!

Everyone has been asking what I'll 'be' for Halloween this year. Since I work at the school we do a little dressing up. This year the kiddos dressed up in their costumes and I contemplated making a new costume this year.

But I still had my shirt from last year.

Last year when I decided to keep my costume, never did I think I would be able to wear it again the very next Halloween. So I decided that it was perfectly fitting. So yes, your first Halloween costume was a 'hand-me-down' from your sister and it was homemade by your mom.

That's Hannah on the left and you on the right. Such a resemblance...

So this morning I put on my skeleton shirt and I smiled back at the people who would see my little skelly-in-the-belly and smile. I'm just so very proud of you, you know.

Happy Halloween, I'll try not to eat you too much candy.

Love you,
Mom

Thirty Four Weeks: Little Tiny Giant

Our sweet little Lincoln arrived early on Tuesday November 4th. Oh we are so in love. While I'm away staring at my baby while he sleeps, we'll catch up to birth day with the weekly posts. With him coming four weeks early, we have a bit of catching up to do!

October 21, 2014

Little Tiny Giant,

Let me start by saying that I'm glad you're healthy. I'm so grateful that your umbilical cord works and that it gets you all the nutrients you need. I'm so blessed to see you bouncing on the screen and doing cute little things during the ultrasound.

But also,

You're a giant.

Today we went for your growth scan at the doctor's office. Once again they say these measurements can vary in weight. With you 'weighing' approximately 4.25 pounds three weeks ago, and with the average baby gaining half a pound a week at this point, do the math. You should measure about 5.75 pounds this week right? Or you know maybe the scan three weeks ago was off and said you were heavier than you really were so maybe you'll measure even less then that...

Nope.

I paid a bit more attention this time to each individual measurements...

Your head, which means your skull, is quite large (and you have hair!). If we based your due date off your head alone you'd be due about November 15th, which is like two and a half weeks ahead of schedule. About the 98th percentile...

Your abdomen, which I'm assuming is more the size of your chest, is also quite large. About the 98th percentile as well. Due date just based off of your chest would be more like November 12th, which is you know, only 3 weeks ahead of time.

Your femur, which the sweet ultrasound lady refers to as your thigh bone (which would make way more sense to you until I turn you into a nerd), is sort of normal size, I didn't get a chance to look at all the numbers for your femur because they all of a sudden calculated your overall estimated weight based on these three measurements.

You weight six and a half pounds!

At thirty four weeks!

That's like the 97th percentile little baby. That's like if you add on the estimated half a pound you're supposed to gain every week and even still you get delivered a week early, you'll be nine and a half pounds! But if you keep up your rate of growth from the past three weeks which is 0.75 pounds per week then you know, you'll weigh a nice 10.25 pounds at birth.

Your dad was ecstatic. I am thrilled you're so healthy. But this just means you need to be streamlined and ready to go when delivery day comes. None of that breech baby or posterior stuff okay? If you need me to I can give you a lesson on what it means to be ready for all this okay.

Let's just say that the doctor moved onto a different subject during our visit and then glanced at her computer again and said 'I just can't believe how big your baby is!' and told me that her first baby was smaller at birth than you are now.

But don't worry, I'm very proud of you. I hope you come out huge and chunky and squishy and cuddly. And your dad homes you come out a lineman. He's already bragging to the world about how big you are.

We love you, you little tiny giant. Keep growing strong,
Mom

Thirty Three Weeks: Silly Faces

Our sweet little Lincoln arrived early on Tuesday November 4th. Oh we are so in love. While I'm away staring at my baby while he sleeps, we'll catch up to birth day with the weekly posts. With him coming four weeks early, we have a bit of catching up to do!

October 18, 2014

Thirty Three Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

Today we went to the zoo. We saw birdies and lions and even baby giraffes.

Today was your friend Sophie's birthday party and I was reminded of how much of a family we have here in our small town. There are so many people excited to meet you, and many of them are of the little tiny kind.

I was the big ole pregnant woman walking around the zoo and I make your daddy stop and take a picture of me by the white tiger exhibit. 

Years ago, nine years ago actually, when your daddy and I were dating we went to this very same zoo. And we took a picture by the white tiger...

I remember us smiling by the cage and snapping a quick picture. But turns out we were making silly faces. You have such cool parent... we'll never embarrass you...

Since the day we took that picture there have been many faces. Smiles of happiness, tears of heartache, and even tears of joy. Since that picture your daddy and I have every day fallen more and more in love with one another. Every day I think about how lucky I am that your daddy picked me to be his wife.

And now as the weeks go by we fall more and more in love with you.

Someday we'll take you to see the white tiger, and we'll take a picture of all three of us. And guess what, this time, we'll make silly faces again, okay?

I love you more and more,

Mom

Thirty Two Weeks: Worth It

Our sweet little Lincoln arrived early on Tuesday November 4th. Oh we are so in love. While I'm away staring at my baby while he sleeps, we'll catch up to birth day with the weekly posts. With him coming four weeks early, we have a bit of catching up to do!

October 10, 2014

Thirty Two Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

I love you more than you'll probably ever realize. More than I'll ever be able to tell you or show you. Someday when you have kiddos of your own, only then, maybe will you realize.

Someday you will do things for your children because you love them so much. But so will your wife.

She'll give up her beautiful skin to the stretchmarks that it takes to make your babies. She'll sometimes waddle around like whale and need much help completing difficult tasks like rolling over in bed or getting off the couch. There will be times when she feels as if maybe, just maybe she'll be stuck like this forever.

But she'll love you and your babies and it will all be worth it.

To me, you're worth it.

You're worth calling the doctor first thing in the morning with horribly embarrassing questions. You're worth going to the hospital in the middle of the work day to check on something that doesn't seem serious at all. You're worth telling every nurse, 'I know it's probably not a big deal, but...'

So yes, today I went to the hospital because they told me to. I wore the bracelet and I put on the hospital gown. And today I found out that you and me are perfectly healthy even with all the weird symptoms and the waddling.

And today I got to rest in a hospital bed and just listen to your heartbeat and feel you squirm.

You're worth it.

Love always, even when you steal what used to be my ankles,
Mom

Thirty One Weeks: Celebrating You

Our sweet little Lincoln arrived early on Tuesday November 4th. Oh we are so in love. While I'm away staring at my baby while he sleeps, we'll catch up to birth day with the weekly posts. With him coming four weeks early, we have a bit of catching up to do!

October 4, 2014

Thirty One Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

Today we celebrated you!

Your family up in Norman threw a party for you and me and daddy today. There was fruit and cookie cake and cake balls and those little tiny sausages that your dad loves. The room was decorated in blue and there were toy trucks all around.

If you couldn't tell, we're all excited about the little boy that you are.

I'll tell you the truth. You probably got a sugar high today because I ate so much cookie cake. Your momma loves herself some Great American Cookie Company cookie cake. Just remind me of that when it's your sixth birthday and you want a 'real' cookie cake and I'm telling you that I'll make one at the house. Remind me that yes, I can save money that way, but remind of how good cookie cake is and how I was the one who exposed you to it in the first place and got you hooked...

But today we celebrated you.

And this week your daddy told me that he's finally letting himself get excited, really excited about you.

Every day that we get closer to meeting you, I believe just a little more that you're coming home. That you'll get to play with the toy trucks. And that you'll get to have a sixth birthday.

I can't wait to meet you. But there's also a crowd in Norman who will be lining up to hold you too.

Love always,
Mom

Thirty Weeks: Just like Dad

September 23, 2014

Thirty Weeks

Little Tiny-ish Human,

You are the cutest.

You are.

I'm your mom and I get to brag on you forever, and surely embarrass you in front of your friends. It starts now.

Today at the doctor I got to see your sweet little face on the ultrasound machine. You were all cuddly and cute and you were making the best little expressions with your face. After we were all done you put your hand in front of your face and snuggled into what would be a pillow, but honestly is probably the placenta.

You looked Just. Like. Your. Dad.

In the same way that he tries so hard to stay up and listen to my never ending stories but eventually just gets tired. Or the way that he snuggles into his pillow when we get to sleep in on the weekends. Oh you reminded me so much of him. I do like watching your dad sleep, you know, so I'm sure I'll just stand there for hours and watch you sleep too.

Oh you're so cute.

I will say though that the lady at the doctor measured your bones and your head and all the parts today and then I asked how big it said you were. She started out with, 'oh about 33rd percentile' and then said, wait you're due date's not entered right. (It's because Hannah's due date pops up every time they enter my name, I've seen it, I know). So she changed the due date to your due date and then giggled a little.

95th Percentile. Estimated four pounds three ounces...

Even though my baby app on my phone says a baby your age should weigh 'almost three pounds.'

Your daddy-o was an eleven pound baby. See, told ya you were going to be just like your dad. Maybe some day you'll even have a cool beard like him too...

I love you, I'm so glad you are so very healthy,
Mom

Twenty Nine Weeks: Game Day

September 20, 2014

Twenty Nine Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

Your dad and I love college football. It's the truth.

No I don't just love college football so I can wear the cute teams shirts and bake fun mascot-shaped cookies; your momma actually loves college football.

Today I'm sure you got to hear the spirit in our house firsthand. This morning we hung the Nebraska and LSU flags outside to show our spirit and we started the day with donuts and College Gameday. But today both the Nebraska Game and the LSU game were night games, so we settled down on the couch and prepared for a night of victory.

We actually had two screens going at the same time so we could stay tuned in to both games. And I'm sure you heard all the yelling. Nope, you're daddy doesn't yell at the TV during the games; he lives and breathes Nebraska football, but it wasn't him yelling. That was me. I'm not sure if they can here me all the way down south but for some reason I think if I yell 'stop him' loud enough that the defense will get a little extra pep in their step.

Tonight your daddy's team won. But tonight my team lost, apparently they couldn't quite hear me.

But I will tell you that here in this house your momma cheers until the very last minute. I don't care if the other team is 5 touchdowns ahead and we've got two minutes left on the clock and the other team has the ball. Your momma still thinks we can win. And you know what, sometimes, we do.

So just so you know what all the ruckus was about. And just so you know who that is in the stands yelling at you on the football field someday. It's me. I'm your momma. And I won't ever give up on you.

Love always,
Mom

I Am Ready.

These are just a few words that I've written over the past few months. I'm sharing them today because they are a picture of what life after loss looks like even nine months later, even with another baby on the way. Some words are those written through tears and some are those of the continued hope and healing that I am so grateful to the Lord for.

September 23, 2014

It's hard for me to try to describe how today felt. I'm not sure if it felt more like spring and freshness and new beginnings or if it felt like the cool crisp air of fall when things are ending and falling but watching it happen is so very beautiful.

But today was very good.

I think it was today that I fell in love with my little boy.

Yes, I've loved him for a while now, but today was something different. Today we watched his little face on the ultrasound as he made the best expressions. When that little man got tired and snuggled his little head under his arm he looked just like his daddy on a Saturday morning. Maybe that's why God makes our kids look like us, seeing Kyle in this little boy made me fall so deeply in love with him.

Today I returned to work with ultrasound pictures in hand and I became 'that mom.' Oh you, you who is halfway down the hall, stop right there I want to show you a picture of my baby! Isn't he the cutest? Can you see his cute little nose?

That was me.

I told Kyle that today for some reason things started to feel more real. It felt like maybe this time when the pregnancy was over, that we'd have a little tiny human to take home with us.

Today was also a time of great accomplishment for me. 

One of my dear friends had her baby this morning and I got to run over to the hospital, cookies in hand, and see that little baby girl. She, unlike the other new babies I've met in the past year, has not only been the only girl born, but the only one to be born at the same hospital as our Hannah.

As I thought about the visit I knew it was time to write the thank you notes that I'd put off for nine months. I wanted so badly for the nurses we had in December to know how well they loved us. I needed them to know how much they were a blessing to us. And although I'm not sure if they've ever wondered about us, I wanted them to know how we were doing. Writing those letters felt wonderful. 

I picked up cookies for my friend and for the two nurses to whom I'd written the letters and, well, I grabbed a cookie for me too. I parked in the parking garage and I walked right up to the front of the hospital. I stopped for half a moment when I realized this was where I'd gotten into our empty car nine months ago. This was where we went home empty-handed.

But I took a deep breath of the cool air and I kept walking.

I actually had a few minutes so I went and pre-registered for our delivery. Last year I pre-registered two days before we would return to the hospital again. There they would go on to tell me 'oh we'll use new paperwork because you're just here for monitoring, that way the paperwork you already filled out will be ready for when you actually come to deliver the baby.' Turns out it was all one trip. And so the lady behind the desk today said that same statement, reminding me that if I came in for monitoring that I would fill out more paperwork... I didn't really need reminding. But she was just doing her job; she didn't know.

And then I stepped onto the elevator and I rode to the fourth floor. And when I got off I thought it would be harder to walk down that hallway.

But it wasn't.

I felt so brave somehow. I walked in and left my letters and cookies at the nurses station. The nurse behind the desk was so helpful and then just like that I went to meet the little girl that had been born.

As I was leaving I had this great feeling. Yes it felt like fall because I think that visit felt more like Hannah, but that somehow the leaves falling reminded me that spring would be coming soon after. That I'd return to this hospital someday soon to have our little boy.

There are no promises that I'll leave with him in my arms, but I'm ready. I'm hopeful. And I'm not afraid.

Oh how the Lord gives us strength when we have none of our own. 

Oh how he created the seasons to teach us so many things.

Two.

These are just a few words that I've written over the past few months. I'm sharing them today because they are a picture of what life after loss looks like even nine months later, even with another baby on the way. Some words are those written through tears and some are those of the continued hope and healing that I am so grateful to the Lord for.

This is a bit of a follow-up to a post I wrote not too long ago. This post will probably make much more sense if you read that one first. Go ahead, click over, it's short.

September 26, 2014

I stopped saying yes.

The more I walk around and the more my belly grows, the more people ask.

I don't know if it's like when you buy Chacos and then you notice that 'everyone' is wearing them, but all the time, everywhere, people ask:

"Is this your first?"

And I feel so strong because now, now I say, "our second."

And I smile.

And you know what they do. They smile back and they say things like is this one a boy or a girl? And then then they ask what about your first?

And you know what I say? I say, "a girl."

And I smile.

And usually they end it right there and say something like "you're so lucky" or "congratulations" or "good luck."

And I agree. I am so very lucky. Even if I can't hold either of them today, soon I'll hold our little boy, and yes, I am very, very lucky to be the mother of two.

"Thank you for asking," I got to talk about my little girl today.

Is this your first?

These are just a few words that I've written over the past few months. I'm sharing them today because they are a picture of what life after loss looks like even nine months later, even with another baby on the way. Some words are those written through tears and some are those of the continued hope and healing that I am so grateful to the Lord for.

August 29, 2014

When you're in college people tend to ask you when you'll meet someone. And once you meet someone people tend to ask you when you'll get married. And then once you get married people tend to ask when you'll have kids. I've been told that once you have kids people continue to ask when you'll have the next kid.

People are always asking questions.

And I'm sure I'm one of them. 

I'm sure I've asked many questions before about things that aren't my business. I'm sure some things were the things that make up small talk and I'm sure, actually I did it just the other day, I'm certain many of the questions I have asked have invoked awkward, uncomfortable responses.

I'm sorry.

I don't pretend like I need anyone to change or like I'd change even if I could. 

But when you're obviously pregnant, you get a lot of questions. Some are general and some way too specific or personal. Some people ask while awkwardly rubbing your belly and looking deep into your soul and you're thinking "I've never seen you other than in this aisle at the Brookshire's" Mostly they make me laugh. I'm not easily offended...

But there's one that's the hardest for me to answer. It reminds me that they do not know, and I pause for just a moment every time wondering what to say.

They look at my belly and they ask, "Is this your first?"

The easy answer is yes.

But the truth is no.

But I know that the 'no' comes with follow up questions. I know if I pause too long after the 'no' that they will most certainly ask things like 'oh how many others do you have?' and 'boys or girls?' and 'how old are they?' And then I know I have to tell them.

But I just can't say 'yes'.

So I say 'no' and then so quickly I blurt out something like, 'well but we lost our first, but it's okay, and this one's a boy. My husband is thrilled!' And I know that if I can quickly equate my daughter to a sock in the laundry room that somehow disappeared into the spin cycle that I can get them excited about the boy we are having, and then and only then can I steer the direction to something less awkward.

But then I spend the next few hours thinking about equating my daughter to a lost sock.

She isn't something I just 'lost' one day.

I think about how when people ask about the number of children I have that they're just being polite and that they really don't want the entire story, but my heart wants so bady to follow the 'no' with something like:

"No. Last year we had our first daughter. She was eight pounds and three ounces and 21.5 inches long. She was beautiful, and she has been my greatest joy to love. But she died last December before I even got to hold her. I miss her every day. But I thank the Lord that I was blessed with such a great love for her, and I thank the Lord for his truth and his goodness and his comfort and his love because I have gotten to know Him in the past 8 months in ways I never imagined."

But that's not what they were asking.

They aren't ready for that much.

But I just can't quite bring myself to say 'yes.'

Twenty Eight Weeks: Little Names

September 10, 2014

Twenty Eight Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

I think we may have picked a name for you this week. Your dad and I aren't 100% certain, but we think maybe we have a first name for you. I don't go telling just everyone because I love the idea of introducing you to the world once you are born. Some people try calling you by your 99% name already... but they're not me.

Your middle name is a whole different story. Two names is a lot for a woman with pregnancy brain to think about.

I do call you all kinds of sweet names though. But let's be honest if I actually named you "Little Tiny Human" that'd be kind of weird. Especially if you grow up to be big and strong like your dad, I could only imagine the coach yelling "Little!" at you as you run across the football field.

You are growing stronger every day, I can feel it. They say you're like 2 pounds now and I would tell you what fruit you are the size of but every app I own tells me a different fruit. And really, I'm not sure I've ever purchased a two pound bunch of cauliflower before.

The day is getting close, and I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to see if you recognize my voice or the way I read to you or the songs that I sing to you every day.

I love you enough to try to give you a decent name,
Mom

Nesting Project: "Manly" Nursery

Let's be honest. Nurseries are not manly.

In my opinion they should be bright and fun yet sweet and calming. They should be places for snuggling and playing and cooing and cuddling. (Although I know you moms out there are laughing thinking they're more like places for crying in the middle of the night, changing poopy diapers, and folding tons of tiny laundry.)

When I planned Hannah's nursery I wasn't exactly trying to make it masculine. We knew Hannah would be a girl and so I took that into consideration when making little paper roses to hang on the wall and framing a picture of my grandmothers in swimsuits.

But let's be honest, as much as I love painting a room, I figured that in a two bedroom house it'd be pretty hard to try to repaint the nursery when future kids came along. I can only imagine having a newborn and toddler trying to live in the same room all while I'm trying to paint it from pink to blue. So I did the calculated thing and picked a color I thought would work well for both our girl and any future men that may come along.

And while people have asked if we got rid of all our baby stuff from Hannah or if we totally redid the nursery back into a guest room, well, we didn't. We wanted to have more babies even after losing Hannah and so I boxed everything up in bins that I could have labeled "hoping for another baby soon!" I packed the toys away so that the nursery was a little more guest room friendly, but we didn't even take apart the crib or anything.

I love the nursery.

I never got to really use it and so nope, we're not doing a total overhaul of the nursery for our little guy. Just a hint of change here and there to make it less 'rosey.'

That's where the outdoors comes in.

We love Colorado and so I thought I'd add a little touch of manly by adding a little touch of the mountains to our little nursery.

I found this garland while flipping through the Liberty Mountain catalog and I knew I wanted it. It's made of hand carved and hand painted little figures that remind me of both Kyle and Colorado.

And then I realized that Kyle had an old little shelf that looked like a boat and then I made a little pennant garland to add some color behind the crib.

It's a little less girly and maybe just a bit more manly. I'll be posting the how-to's and the finished products soon so stay tuned. But know I don't plan on putting this little guy in pink bows or anything...

Twenty Seven Weeks: Real

September 8, 2014

Twenty Seven Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

It's all getting very real. You're really coming.

It's hard sometimes to imagine that someday you'll come home with us. Last year it felt like I was pregnant and I did that well and once the pregnancy was over we packed up all the baby things and it was done. So for some reason, now it seems so very hard to imagine that at the end of this pregnancy there will be a real live you here.

Living in our house.

Keeping us up at night.

Making me smile even if sleep deprived.

So I started getting your room ready. I'm making sure to put everything in its place. Each item sorted by size or color or function. And then I'm making the room less pink, and that's what reminds me that you're real. That I'm not just pulling out the baby stuff again, but that I'm getting ready to bring you home.

Oh I pray that I get to bring you home.

We're getting so close.

I heard your little heartbeat at the doctor's office today. It sounds so very strong. The doctor let me listen to your heartbeat for a long time and I made sure to soak in every moment of it. My next appointments are now every two weeks instead of every month which means we're that much closer.

I love you and sometimes I can't believe you're really real...
Mom

Nesting Project: Cleaning All the Things

So if you've ever been pregnant, maybe you know: yes, you want to clean ALL THE THINGS but sometimes don't have any energy to do it.

Well, me and the list maker that I am, I came up with a list in August of all the things I wanted to clean before the baby arrives. I figured that way I could channel my 'oooh I need to clean the underside of the refrigerator right now' into 'put it on the list, prioritize, and pace yourself.'

So here's the list, just in case you were thinking about doing some cleaning around your house too...

Cleaning the Fridge: Not only throwing away the old leftovers, but checking the expiration dates on the thousands of salad dressings and condiments and throwing out the old things. Then also scrubbing each shelf and cranny with soap and water. Because Lord knows it'll be at least five years before I have the time to do that again... Completed!

Cleaning out the Freezer: Opening up those mystery containers of frozen something and making room for all the important things. Like breast milk and ice cream...

Doing All the Laundry: You know those sheets that you never really use so they just hang out in the laundry basket until you want to run a load of things you never use... maybe that's just me, okay? But yes, cleaning all the things. And then even clearing out all the 'towels that don't fit in the linen closet' that really I was just too lazy to put away for the last 3 years. I need room for tiny baby laundry...

Clearing a Path in the Garage: So Kyle keeps the garage pretty clean. I'm the one who has tubs and bins of old craft supplies stored in there. There's room to park the car, but there's definitely not room to park the car and open the door and get a baby car seat in and out of there. Well, not with the boxes. No need for craft supplies that are 10 years old or decor items that 'I just might use someday' to be stored right next to my car. When it starts to rain and I have to pull the car out in the rain just to get the door open to get baby in I'll be kicking myself if I don't get this one done.

Cleaning out the Medicine Cabinet: Why do I still have the nausea medicine that I took with me to Kenya five years ago 'in case I got sick' that didn't even work when I needed it? I have no idea. But I don't want to be up in the middle of the night wading through expired medications trying to find the baby thermometer... Completed!

Get My Car Detailed: Clearing out all the things and starting fresh sounds great when I think about all the Cheerios I'll find in those seats in the next few years. I've never really have a car detailed before but it sounds nice. And if they can get the bugs off my bumper and add a coat of wax maybe I can keep this car looking nice through the crazy years (yes, I can hear you mothers laughing...).

Steam Clean All the Carpet: This one's easier since we own a steam cleaner. But because we own the machine I'll forget to do it and then realize that I can't walk through the living room while the carpet is wet and I have a week old baby and I'll wish I'd done this one earlier...

So that's where I'm at now. I know I also want to look at every place we store anything in the house and rethink if we really need all that 'stuff' or not. There's an entire piece of furniture in my bedroom that's full of old camera boxes and Lisa Frank stationery that could probably find a better home...

So I'm sure the list will grow.

Like my belly.

It's getting bigger than I remember every day. Who knew stretch marks themselves could stretch...

Also: Moms out there, if you have any recommendations of 'you MUST get this done before the baby arrives' I'd love to hear them!

Twenty Six Weeks: Labor Day

August 31, 2014

Twenty Six Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

Today it stopped raining and we spent a nice long time in the pool basking in the warm sun all wrapped up in the Louisiana humidity that I love so much. This weekend we went to visit my family. There was a whole lot of together time and a whole lot of relaxing. Which, at twenty six weeks pregnant I could appreciate.

Someday we'll take trips to Louisiana and you'll spend hours swimming in the pool too. I hope you love it there. I hope, even though we live far away, that you quickly know and love your grandparents and aunts and uncles. They're all really excited about you coming.

This weekend your grandpa, my dad, gave us a wooden rocking horse that he built with his own two hands. Someday you'll be very impressed with his wood working skills, but until then you'll just be entertained by hours and hours of rocking around the house on that horse. Just like we did when we were kids.

After my dad finished the last touches, I was looking over every smooth detail of the rocking horse. It was then that I noticed that he signed it for you. And then I noticed that he also wrote the year right underneath his name. But it said 2013, not 2014. And that's when I realized that he started making the horse last year for your sister, and finished it this year for you. Somehow that makes my heart smile extra, you really will forever be connected to her.

Twenty six weeks, I can hardly believe you're growing so very fast. Bouncing around and kicking and yes, making my back hurt just a bit. You sit much lower than your sister ever did and I'm pretty sure you're actively pulling my pelvis apart. But I'm working hard to do all the write exercises so you'll come out strong and healthy and let's be honest, so you'll come out easily...

I love you lots. Happy Labor Day. See you on my next "labor day,"
Mom

It's a Real Thing

So yes, I'm home to the wonderful world of Texas.

And yes, I'm pregnant.

So although each year I return to our home ready to get the house 'back into shape' and work on all those house projects I've been doodling about all summer, this year let's just combine that with NESTING.

It's a real thing.

But we have friends (who we love!) staying in our guest room/ nursery for the summer and as planned they're still here. But now it's like when you want a chocolate cupcake, and you don't have one so you think 'oh I'll just eat this Hershey's kiss and that'll do'. And then it doesn't 'do' so you think I'll just have this chocolate pudding, and then I'll just have these two Oreos and some milk. And then 700 calories later you realize that you're going to actually have to go get a chocolate cupcake or you'll eat the entire house.

Well I've got a mother-nature-induced will to clean and prepare the baby nursery. So while I wait for the room to clear, I find myself going 'ooh I'll just stain the gazebo and retile the bathroom and clean every shelf in the entire refrigerator by taking it apart and soaking every piece...'

Luckily (other than the fridge) I put all those plans on hold. I did get out and wash and de-leaf the gazebo. And I did hang the fancy patio lights I got for my birthday, but I've got to wait until I fix the screen on the gazebo before I spend any mosquito-free time out there.

I did find a way to sneak into the nursery and do a few things...

I have the task set ahead of me of rebuilding the nursery. IT hasn't yet been used and so I won't want to change much. There's a part of me that wants to keep everything the same forever, but then there's a part of me that knows I do want to change out the roses on the wall for our baby boy.

So while I'm not repainting the room or buying all new things, I will be making a few changes to get the nursery ready for baby Hess number two. The roses on the wall and the picture of my grandmothers in swimsuits will probably need to go. Unless of course they're like a pin-up girls which seems wrong in more ways than fifty thousand.

So let's just say I've got a few projects going and I'm real excited to share them with you in the next few weeks.

Until then, Happy Labor Day Weekend! I hope you get to spend time with the people you love doing the things that make your heart most happy.