Oct 27, 2014

I Am Ready.

These are just a few words that I've written over the past few months. I'm sharing them today because they are a picture of what life after loss looks like even nine months later, even with another baby on the way. Some words are those written through tears and some are those of the continued hope and healing that I am so grateful to the Lord for.

September 23, 2014

It's hard for me to try to describe how today felt. I'm not sure if it felt more like spring and freshness and new beginnings or if it felt like the cool crisp air of fall when things are ending and falling but watching it happen is so very beautiful.

But today was very good.

I think it was today that I fell in love with my little boy.

Yes, I've loved him for a while now, but today was something different. Today we watched his little face on the ultrasound as he made the best expressions. When that little man got tired and snuggled his little head under his arm he looked just like his daddy on a Saturday morning. Maybe that's why God makes our kids look like us, seeing Kyle in this little boy made me fall so deeply in love with him.

Today I returned to work with ultrasound pictures in hand and I became 'that mom.' Oh you, you who is halfway down the hall, stop right there I want to show you a picture of my baby! Isn't he the cutest? Can you see his cute little nose?

That was me.

I told Kyle that today for some reason things started to feel more real. It felt like maybe this time when the pregnancy was over, that we'd have a little tiny human to take home with us.

Today was also a time of great accomplishment for me. 

One of my dear friends had her baby this morning and I got to run over to the hospital, cookies in hand, and see that little baby girl. She, unlike the other new babies I've met in the past year, has not only been the only girl born, but the only one to be born at the same hospital as our Hannah.

As I thought about the visit I knew it was time to write the thank you notes that I'd put off for nine months. I wanted so badly for the nurses we had in December to know how well they loved us. I needed them to know how much they were a blessing to us. And although I'm not sure if they've ever wondered about us, I wanted them to know how we were doing. Writing those letters felt wonderful. 

I picked up cookies for my friend and for the two nurses to whom I'd written the letters and, well, I grabbed a cookie for me too. I parked in the parking garage and I walked right up to the front of the hospital. I stopped for half a moment when I realized this was where I'd gotten into our empty car nine months ago. This was where we went home empty-handed.

But I took a deep breath of the cool air and I kept walking.

I actually had a few minutes so I went and pre-registered for our delivery. Last year I pre-registered two days before we would return to the hospital again. There they would go on to tell me 'oh we'll use new paperwork because you're just here for monitoring, that way the paperwork you already filled out will be ready for when you actually come to deliver the baby.' Turns out it was all one trip. And so the lady behind the desk today said that same statement, reminding me that if I came in for monitoring that I would fill out more paperwork... I didn't really need reminding. But she was just doing her job; she didn't know.

And then I stepped onto the elevator and I rode to the fourth floor. And when I got off I thought it would be harder to walk down that hallway.

But it wasn't.

I felt so brave somehow. I walked in and left my letters and cookies at the nurses station. The nurse behind the desk was so helpful and then just like that I went to meet the little girl that had been born.

As I was leaving I had this great feeling. Yes it felt like fall because I think that visit felt more like Hannah, but that somehow the leaves falling reminded me that spring would be coming soon after. That I'd return to this hospital someday soon to have our little boy.

There are no promises that I'll leave with him in my arms, but I'm ready. I'm hopeful. And I'm not afraid.

Oh how the Lord gives us strength when we have none of our own. 

Oh how he created the seasons to teach us so many things.

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