Is this your first?

These are just a few words that I've written over the past few months. I'm sharing them today because they are a picture of what life after loss looks like even nine months later, even with another baby on the way. Some words are those written through tears and some are those of the continued hope and healing that I am so grateful to the Lord for.

August 29, 2014

When you're in college people tend to ask you when you'll meet someone. And once you meet someone people tend to ask you when you'll get married. And then once you get married people tend to ask when you'll have kids. I've been told that once you have kids people continue to ask when you'll have the next kid.

People are always asking questions.

And I'm sure I'm one of them. 

I'm sure I've asked many questions before about things that aren't my business. I'm sure some things were the things that make up small talk and I'm sure, actually I did it just the other day, I'm certain many of the questions I have asked have invoked awkward, uncomfortable responses.

I'm sorry.

I don't pretend like I need anyone to change or like I'd change even if I could. 

But when you're obviously pregnant, you get a lot of questions. Some are general and some way too specific or personal. Some people ask while awkwardly rubbing your belly and looking deep into your soul and you're thinking "I've never seen you other than in this aisle at the Brookshire's" Mostly they make me laugh. I'm not easily offended...

But there's one that's the hardest for me to answer. It reminds me that they do not know, and I pause for just a moment every time wondering what to say.

They look at my belly and they ask, "Is this your first?"

The easy answer is yes.

But the truth is no.

But I know that the 'no' comes with follow up questions. I know if I pause too long after the 'no' that they will most certainly ask things like 'oh how many others do you have?' and 'boys or girls?' and 'how old are they?' And then I know I have to tell them.

But I just can't say 'yes'.

So I say 'no' and then so quickly I blurt out something like, 'well but we lost our first, but it's okay, and this one's a boy. My husband is thrilled!' And I know that if I can quickly equate my daughter to a sock in the laundry room that somehow disappeared into the spin cycle that I can get them excited about the boy we are having, and then and only then can I steer the direction to something less awkward.

But then I spend the next few hours thinking about equating my daughter to a lost sock.

She isn't something I just 'lost' one day.

I think about how when people ask about the number of children I have that they're just being polite and that they really don't want the entire story, but my heart wants so bady to follow the 'no' with something like:

"No. Last year we had our first daughter. She was eight pounds and three ounces and 21.5 inches long. She was beautiful, and she has been my greatest joy to love. But she died last December before I even got to hold her. I miss her every day. But I thank the Lord that I was blessed with such a great love for her, and I thank the Lord for his truth and his goodness and his comfort and his love because I have gotten to know Him in the past 8 months in ways I never imagined."

But that's not what they were asking.

They aren't ready for that much.

But I just can't quite bring myself to say 'yes.'