I Cannot Make Myself Wait

April 6, 2014

My greatest fear for our newest little baby in the belly is that I won't love him or her as much as I love Hannah. I know it sound silly, but I've heard it's something other mother's fear too, even the ones that didn't lose their babies. That some mothers too feel that somehow they won't have enough love for their second child when they love their first so much.

Another fear is that somehow I won't know how to be a good mother to a live baby. People tell us that we have been wonderful parents to Hannah. But I wonder what that looks like when sleepless nights and poopy diapers are all too common. It's so very easy to be Hannah's mother, because she did no wrong.

As I was reading, I read about how mothers of babies after loss have difficulty attaching to their next children. I'm not sure that'll be the case, but what if it is? It's already been hard to even admit there's a baby in there. It's hard to say 'we're having a baby' because the truth is that we have no idea. We're simply 'pregnant' and pregnancy doesn't always mean you take home a baby in your arms.

And then I cried yesterday because I missed our girl. And then I think I thought about why it's been so hard. And it's because my heart is starting to love another. It won't love Hannah any less, but the truth is, just like when I was pregnant with Hannah, I cannot make myself wait to love this little person.

I've learned all too well that I cannot tell my heart who start and stop loving.

I'm excited. I'm in love. Now I just want to see that baby.