Oct 16, 2014

Amathyst: Celimar

I wanted to include all types of stories to share with you. Mothers come in all kinds. Sadly enough, it's not just pregnancy loss month, but infant loss month as well. Celimar's is a story of infant loss. I cannot imagine getting to meet and hold a live baby and then to have them leave earth so quickly.

But the Lord is good.

And Celimar's story is one where the Lord drew her so very close to the Lord through her suffering. I pray that as you read her words, you too would be drawn to the Lord.

My half brother had excitedly planned a pregnancy with his girlfriend, and they kept the pregnancy a secret until she was about seven months along. When they finally shared the news, my family put together a last minute baby shower and everyone came to celebrate this new life brewing.

Amathyst was born one month early on October 30, 2013 weighing only four pounds eight ounces. The doctors kept her in the hospital, and since I was only her aunt I was not allowed to visit her in the NICU. When they finally released Amathyst I rushed over to meet her. It was love at first sight, but I felt something was wrong.

I saw an extreme disconnect between Amathyst and her biological mother. Sadly her mother became suicidal and the authorities had to get involved. I stepped up and got legal custody of Amathyst when she was only three weeks old, and our journey began.

At home I now had a one year old daughter, a four month old son Jacob, and three week old Amathyst. I began tandem nursing Jacob and Amathyst. I was in love. Times were hard, but they weren't terrible. We made it work. Yes, it was very demanding having three children one and under. Oh, but it makes my heart smile when I remember the way that she smelled.

We put her down to nap on March 20, 2014 and when I went to wake her up she wasn't breathing. I rushed her to the hospital and when the doctors told me they couldn't resuscitate her my world came crumbling down on me. My reality became worse than my worse nightmare. SUIDS, Sudden Unexpected Infant Death Syndrome, stole the smallest love of my life from me that day. Even though she wasn't biologically mine, God created her and sent her to this earth for me to love. It wasn't easy but it was certainly worth it.

If there was one thing I could tell you about Amathyst is that even though she was so tiny she was FIERCE! It's been seven months since she passed, and I still hurt. It's been seven months and I'm thankful for the four and a half months God blessed me with while she was here on this earth. Her first birthday comes this month and I hate the fact that we have to celebrate her birthday without her.

Since the day we lost Amathyst I have learned about God's grace and love. When she died I turned to God in a way I never have before. I begged for his mercy, love, and grace. I knew the only way I would ever be okay again would be through His grace. Through every pain and suffering the Lord has taught me that He is making me stronger and has something great in store for my life. God sent so many people to love me and lift me up and I'm so thankful he did.

- Celimar

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