Oct 14, 2014

Fear Does Not Hold Me Any Longer: Katie Haley

Katie Haley sent me her story and the first few lines brought me to tears. Immediately I realized that the timeline of Katie's story meant that she had been reading Hannah's story well before her little guy was even on the way. I cried because it is such a beautiful picture of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. A reminder of the Lord's great plan even through loss and suffering.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 
I pray that you see how the Lord has worked in Katie's life. And know that if you read these words after loss, know that I am praying that you too would somehow be comforted.

Your story has touched me so much in the last 10 months Brittany. I have cried many tears reading your blog and laughed many laughs at the stories you have shared about your Hannah. The way Jesus shines through you is beautiful.

I never thought I would need your words that the Lord asked you to share. I never expected that the Lord would bring me through the loss of a baby. I know everyone says that. That it won't happen to them. That they never thought it could happen to them. But to my core, I just never even considered it to be an option.

My husband, Philip, and I had talked about starting our family. I went off birth control in January, and at the time, my doctor increased my thyroid medicine and told me that people with hypothyroidism sometimes have trouble getting pregnant in the beginning. I absolutely did not expect to get pregnant on our first month of trying. I took a pregnancy test because I was about four days late and wanted to take some hydrocodone cough medicine. Philip was not even home when I took the test. I took it, and then I got in the bathtub.

When Philip came home an hour later, I was still in the bathtub (I have an obsession with long hot baths!). I told him I had taken a test and to look at it for me. He literally almost fell to his knees from shock. He thought I was playing a joke on him. That I knew and had come up with this "clever" way of telling him. I am just not that clever. Ha!  I was about 5 weeks along at this point. We told our families because we just couldn't wait for the sonogram. My best friend at work was pregnant at the time as well; we were so excited to be pregnant together. 

A couple of days later, my fear began to set in. I could not shake the idea that I needed to temper my excitement. I prayed and prayed for the Lord to bring me peace. Philip and I prayed together many times a day that the Lord would quiet my soul. I wrote down verse after verse about the Lord's provision and protection.  On a Wednesday night, I had a dream that I lost the baby at my parents' house and it was a baby boy. It was so vivid and real, I woke up shaking. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding. It really wasn't much at all, but I have never been so terrified in my life. From 5 am until 8:30 am, Philip just held me while I cried. And prayed over me. We called the doctor when their office opened at 8:30. She told me that I shouldn't be concerned until she told me to be concerned. She wanted to run some blood work and talk to me at the office. When I left the doctor, I was feeling much better. She said she would call later in the afternoon and let me know results. The bleeding progressed at an alarming rate during the afternoon. When she finally called, I already knew what she was going to say. It was just not normal.

I didn't speak any words to the Lord for several weeks except "I do not understand this at all and I don't know what to do with all this grief. What is the point of this?!" Then I would cry. Or sit numbly. I felt so betrayed. I tried so hard to communicate with other people about it, but I had nothing to say. Oddly enough we were going through James at church at this time. I have never in my life experienced so many people telling me to find joy in my suffering. I sat in church week after week and just cried. I worked because it helped me feel numb and take my mind off of the baby that was no longer growing in me.

Throughout my whole relationship with God, he has always used me giving other people advice about things to speak to me. Especially when I am totally uninterested in listening to him. I had a dream one night that a couple friend of ours that had just moved was struggling with the calling they felt to move. They missed our friends, they missed our church, they didn't understand why the Lord would call them to a place where they were so lonely. My advice to them was "just because you don't understand the purpose, doesn't mean there isn't one." It didn't hit me until a few hours later that those words the Lord spoke in my dream through me, were the words he needed me to hear.

Ever since that moment of realization, I have held tight to that promise. It's not super profound, I know. I didn't even know that that was what I needed, but those apparently were the words the Lord knew I needed to hear to be able to wrap my mind around losing our first baby. Those words have helped me in all aspects of my life since losing our baby. I have changed. I used to be so upset when things around me would change when I wasn't ready for them to. But those words have given me a whole new outlook on life. My fear does not hold me any longer. It does still try to creep back in every now and again, but I know the Lord has me and that's really all that matters.

-Katie Haley

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