Twenty Eight Weeks: Little Names

September 10, 2014

Twenty Eight Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

I think we may have picked a name for you this week. Your dad and I aren't 100% certain, but we think maybe we have a first name for you. I don't go telling just everyone because I love the idea of introducing you to the world once you are born. Some people try calling you by your 99% name already... but they're not me.

Your middle name is a whole different story. Two names is a lot for a woman with pregnancy brain to think about.

I do call you all kinds of sweet names though. But let's be honest if I actually named you "Little Tiny Human" that'd be kind of weird. Especially if you grow up to be big and strong like your dad, I could only imagine the coach yelling "Little!" at you as you run across the football field.

You are growing stronger every day, I can feel it. They say you're like 2 pounds now and I would tell you what fruit you are the size of but every app I own tells me a different fruit. And really, I'm not sure I've ever purchased a two pound bunch of cauliflower before.

The day is getting close, and I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to see if you recognize my voice or the way I read to you or the songs that I sing to you every day.

I love you enough to try to give you a decent name,
Mom

Nesting Project: "Manly" Nursery

Let's be honest. Nurseries are not manly.

In my opinion they should be bright and fun yet sweet and calming. They should be places for snuggling and playing and cooing and cuddling. (Although I know you moms out there are laughing thinking they're more like places for crying in the middle of the night, changing poopy diapers, and folding tons of tiny laundry.)

When I planned Hannah's nursery I wasn't exactly trying to make it masculine. We knew Hannah would be a girl and so I took that into consideration when making little paper roses to hang on the wall and framing a picture of my grandmothers in swimsuits.

But let's be honest, as much as I love painting a room, I figured that in a two bedroom house it'd be pretty hard to try to repaint the nursery when future kids came along. I can only imagine having a newborn and toddler trying to live in the same room all while I'm trying to paint it from pink to blue. So I did the calculated thing and picked a color I thought would work well for both our girl and any future men that may come along.

And while people have asked if we got rid of all our baby stuff from Hannah or if we totally redid the nursery back into a guest room, well, we didn't. We wanted to have more babies even after losing Hannah and so I boxed everything up in bins that I could have labeled "hoping for another baby soon!" I packed the toys away so that the nursery was a little more guest room friendly, but we didn't even take apart the crib or anything.

I love the nursery.

I never got to really use it and so nope, we're not doing a total overhaul of the nursery for our little guy. Just a hint of change here and there to make it less 'rosey.'

That's where the outdoors comes in.

We love Colorado and so I thought I'd add a little touch of manly by adding a little touch of the mountains to our little nursery.

I found this garland while flipping through the Liberty Mountain catalog and I knew I wanted it. It's made of hand carved and hand painted little figures that remind me of both Kyle and Colorado.

And then I realized that Kyle had an old little shelf that looked like a boat and then I made a little pennant garland to add some color behind the crib.

It's a little less girly and maybe just a bit more manly. I'll be posting the how-to's and the finished products soon so stay tuned. But know I don't plan on putting this little guy in pink bows or anything...

I'm Asking for the Stories

Next month is October. It's the month for Halloween and fall festivals and cool weather and pumpkin everything. But October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

Before last December, I'll be honest, I didn't even know there was a month for such a thing. After Hannah I'm aware of much more.

October is not so much a month for fundraising or donating, it's simply about awareness. I'll have more information for you once October rolls around, but today I'd like to put out a call for your stories.

I gained so very much by sharing Hannah's story. My sweet girl has a story and it's not "I had a stillbirth" or "well, we were pregnant once before." In my world, and in the real world, she has a story to be shared.

Turns out that many, many mothers without their babies never tell their stories. For some it's because keeping their story close to their heart is what they want most. I too understand that. There are things about Hannah that only I will ever know and that's special to me. But there are also mothers who were told they could never speak of their babies, or who thought that it would hurt too much, or who just never had anyone to listen.

For me I was so very lucky because Hannah wasn't something I could just pretend was never there. It wasn't like we could hide the fact that I was 39 weeks pregnant and pretend nothing happened. So my family and friends and community, they listened.

I had this blog where so many had been following our lives and it felt like the perfect place to share Hannah's story. But maybe you weren't so far along in your pregnancy that anyone even knew, or maybe you wrote down your story but had no where to share it, no one to listen. Or maybe your heart was just too fragile, but maybe now is the time.

Well, I'm listening.

I would love to hear your story and I would love the privilege of sharing it here during the month of October.

So if you're a mother who has lost a pregnancy or an infant and has survived and lived to tell the tale, take time these next few weeks to pray and decide if you'd like your story to be told here.

If you're someone who has been affected by pregnancy or infant loss even if you're not the mother, you have a story to tell too. I won't pretend like fathers, uncles, aunts, grandparents and friends aren't affected when a baby dies. We all lose someone.

So here are my instructions, or suggestions, take them with a grain of salt. But for those of you out there thinking "I'm not a writer" know that you can make it very simple. I just want the world to know that there are stories to be told. And I'd love the opportunity to offer a place for them to be shared.

Your story can be about your son or daughter. It can be about the days you had with them or the day that you lost them. It can be about your birth or about the days that followed. It can even be a story about you, how your life has been changed since that day whether it be two months, five years, or even decades since you lost a baby that you loved so dearly.

1. Spend some time praying, thinking, and writing down your words, oh the healing that writing brought to my heart. I won't promise it will be easy, you'll probably cry, but I hope you will smile when it's all said and done.

2. Think about these prompts as you write if you need:

Her/his name was ______ and he was ______ (beautiful, perfect, wonderful, etc.). 

He/she was our first/second/third and when we found out we were expecting we ________. 

It makes my heart smile when I remember when _______. 

Since the day we lost him/her I have learned ________ .

Even in pain and suffering, the Lord has taught me ________. 

I am grateful for our son/daughter because ________. 

If there was one thing I could tell you about him/her is it ________.

It's been _______ months/years, and I still ________. 

It's been _______ months/year, and I'm thankful for ________.

3. Know that depending on length and number of submissions that I can't promise I'll share all the stories. I will try my very best, and I will surely let you know if there is a part of your story that I need to remove for any reason. I know the story of your baby is sometimes all you have left, so I'll surely value every single word.

4. Send your story to me at hess.brittany@gmail.com with the subject line "My Story" and make sure to let me know if you would like your name to be published or if you would like to remain anonymous for any reason.

My goal is to make sure someone gets to hear your story. Even if your baby never had a name, that you would have a voice. That others would be able to know and be aware of what happens to so many families every day. That we as a culture would better understand pregnancy and infant loss and know, even in small ways, how to love someone who's been through it.

I still don't have the right words, but I'll be working on them for October. Even if you've only got a few words, consider sharing them. I bet they're incredibly beautiful.

Twenty Seven Weeks: Real

September 8, 2014

Twenty Seven Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

It's all getting very real. You're really coming.

It's hard sometimes to imagine that someday you'll come home with us. Last year it felt like I was pregnant and I did that well and once the pregnancy was over we packed up all the baby things and it was done. So for some reason, now it seems so very hard to imagine that at the end of this pregnancy there will be a real live you here.

Living in our house.

Keeping us up at night.

Making me smile even if sleep deprived.

So I started getting your room ready. I'm making sure to put everything in its place. Each item sorted by size or color or function. And then I'm making the room less pink, and that's what reminds me that you're real. That I'm not just pulling out the baby stuff again, but that I'm getting ready to bring you home.

Oh I pray that I get to bring you home.

We're getting so close.

I heard your little heartbeat at the doctor's office today. It sounds so very strong. The doctor let me listen to your heartbeat for a long time and I made sure to soak in every moment of it. My next appointments are now every two weeks instead of every month which means we're that much closer.

I love you and sometimes I can't believe you're really real...
Mom

Nesting Project: Cleaning All the Things

So if you've ever been pregnant, maybe you know: yes, you want to clean ALL THE THINGS but sometimes don't have any energy to do it.

Well, me and the list maker that I am, I came up with a list in August of all the things I wanted to clean before the baby arrives. I figured that way I could channel my 'oooh I need to clean the underside of the refrigerator right now' into 'put it on the list, prioritize, and pace yourself.'

So here's the list, just in case you were thinking about doing some cleaning around your house too...

Cleaning the Fridge: Not only throwing away the old leftovers, but checking the expiration dates on the thousands of salad dressings and condiments and throwing out the old things. Then also scrubbing each shelf and cranny with soap and water. Because Lord knows it'll be at least five years before I have the time to do that again... Completed!

Cleaning out the Freezer: Opening up those mystery containers of frozen something and making room for all the important things. Like breast milk and ice cream...

Doing All the Laundry: You know those sheets that you never really use so they just hang out in the laundry basket until you want to run a load of things you never use... maybe that's just me, okay? But yes, cleaning all the things. And then even clearing out all the 'towels that don't fit in the linen closet' that really I was just too lazy to put away for the last 3 years. I need room for tiny baby laundry...

Clearing a Path in the Garage: So Kyle keeps the garage pretty clean. I'm the one who has tubs and bins of old craft supplies stored in there. There's room to park the car, but there's definitely not room to park the car and open the door and get a baby car seat in and out of there. Well, not with the boxes. No need for craft supplies that are 10 years old or decor items that 'I just might use someday' to be stored right next to my car. When it starts to rain and I have to pull the car out in the rain just to get the door open to get baby in I'll be kicking myself if I don't get this one done.

Cleaning out the Medicine Cabinet: Why do I still have the nausea medicine that I took with me to Kenya five years ago 'in case I got sick' that didn't even work when I needed it? I have no idea. But I don't want to be up in the middle of the night wading through expired medications trying to find the baby thermometer... Completed!

Get My Car Detailed: Clearing out all the things and starting fresh sounds great when I think about all the Cheerios I'll find in those seats in the next few years. I've never really have a car detailed before but it sounds nice. And if they can get the bugs off my bumper and add a coat of wax maybe I can keep this car looking nice through the crazy years (yes, I can hear you mothers laughing...).

Steam Clean All the Carpet: This one's easier since we own a steam cleaner. But because we own the machine I'll forget to do it and then realize that I can't walk through the living room while the carpet is wet and I have a week old baby and I'll wish I'd done this one earlier...

So that's where I'm at now. I know I also want to look at every place we store anything in the house and rethink if we really need all that 'stuff' or not. There's an entire piece of furniture in my bedroom that's full of old camera boxes and Lisa Frank stationery that could probably find a better home...

So I'm sure the list will grow.

Like my belly.

It's getting bigger than I remember every day. Who knew stretch marks themselves could stretch...

Also: Moms out there, if you have any recommendations of 'you MUST get this done before the baby arrives' I'd love to hear them!

Twenty Six Weeks: Labor Day

August 31, 2014

Twenty Six Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

Today it stopped raining and we spent a nice long time in the pool basking in the warm sun all wrapped up in the Louisiana humidity that I love so much. This weekend we went to visit my family. There was a whole lot of together time and a whole lot of relaxing. Which, at twenty six weeks pregnant I could appreciate.

Someday we'll take trips to Louisiana and you'll spend hours swimming in the pool too. I hope you love it there. I hope, even though we live far away, that you quickly know and love your grandparents and aunts and uncles. They're all really excited about you coming.

This weekend your grandpa, my dad, gave us a wooden rocking horse that he built with his own two hands. Someday you'll be very impressed with his wood working skills, but until then you'll just be entertained by hours and hours of rocking around the house on that horse. Just like we did when we were kids.

After my dad finished the last touches, I was looking over every smooth detail of the rocking horse. It was then that I noticed that he signed it for you. And then I noticed that he also wrote the year right underneath his name. But it said 2013, not 2014. And that's when I realized that he started making the horse last year for your sister, and finished it this year for you. Somehow that makes my heart smile extra, you really will forever be connected to her.

Twenty six weeks, I can hardly believe you're growing so very fast. Bouncing around and kicking and yes, making my back hurt just a bit. You sit much lower than your sister ever did and I'm pretty sure you're actively pulling my pelvis apart. But I'm working hard to do all the write exercises so you'll come out strong and healthy and let's be honest, so you'll come out easily...

I love you lots. Happy Labor Day. See you on my next "labor day,"
Mom

Labor Day, but not that kind of labor.

I giggle a little bit being pregnant on Labor Day. I can only imagine the moms who go into labor on Labor Day and that makes me giggle even more.

Excuse me while I lay by the pool in my maternity tankini drinking an ice cold lemonade slush surrounded by wonderful people and the yummiest of foods.

Yes, it is a pregnant lady's dream...

Happy Labor Day!