Including Myself

February 24, 2014

It's hard to believe that we are almost through February. But when I say it's been sixty nine days since Hannah was born sometimes it seems like a long time and sometimes it seems like it was yesterday.

Time has been healing for us. But it's been very intentional time, not simply just the passing of time. It's been time crying, time reading, time understanding why I am crying and if the reasons seem healthy. I have had to plan time to rest so that I have time to do these thing. For the first few weeks I would cry and it was okay if I didn't know why. We all knew why. But then as the weeks go on I've been trying to understand the reason for my crying. I understand that at any time, it's okay to cry but it helps me to figure out why.

At times I'm crying and then after thinking through it I realize it's because I miss my daughter. And that's something that doesn't contradict truth, it's okay to miss her. It's the very best reason I cry.

Other times I'm crying and I'm in a desperate place and I begin to cry more because I feel as if I've been singled out. As if the Lord has left me to all of the sorrow. And then I remember that his truth says he will never leave me or forsake me. I cannot believe the lies, I must believe the truth. The sorrow is okay, but to think the Lord has left me is a lie. To think that I have been singled out may be true, but I may have been singled out to be called with a purpose for the Lord, not simply to be a target for hurt or pain, but to be one who has been called to understand his love more deeply, to comfort those who share my pain, to share with others the truth of his word even in suffering, and to proclaim his unending love to everyone who can hear my heart even through tears that are pictures of my hurt.

This weekend was a wonderful time. I would say it felt almost 'normal.' Few things reminded me of my sorrow. We volunteered at a wonderful fundraising event, we stayed the night in a nice hotel, we went to brunch at a yummy place the next morning and the weather was perfect. But there was a line to wait in for the brunch place, Kyle suggested maybe we try another restaurant. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had to excuse myself so I could cry the bathroom stall rather than cry in the middle of a busy restaurant. Kyle didn't do anything wrong. But here I was crying.

I'm not sure why I was crying. I tried to figure it out. I think our 'perfect' weekend suddenly hit a flaw and it was hard for me to handle. I don't know if it had to do with Hannah directly, but maybe that I'm just trying too hard to hold it all together. I was so proud of our weekend feeling so very 'normal' for the first time in a long time, that maybe a bump in the road sent me to tears. Or maybe I'm still very delicate when it comes to the changing of plans, after all the changing of plans we've been through.

Maybe it was because the weekend had been busy and I had put off grieving. Maybe it was time it caught up to me.

I don't have all the answers, but I'm trying my best. I do know I cannot believe the lies that my sorrow tries to tell me, but I must believe the Lord's truth. I must believe what his word says and hold fast to that. I cannot let satan take what the Lord can work together for His good.

God gets all the glory on this one. I won't let anyone else take it, including myself.