Mar 5, 2014


These are the moments that have made up the last two months of our lives. As the Lord has taught us, I have been writing. It does me so much good to put into words what the Lord is teaching me or what I am feeling as we go. If at times it sounds like I'm preaching to you, it's more than likely not the case; but I had to write it to preach to myself. To have something to read and remind me of what this was like, when I feel as if I've made no progress at all, it helps me to read about the past. When I forget the goodness of the Lord, it helps me to read of his blessings.

If you'd like to read more about the story of our Hannah Grace click here.

December 27, 2014

Yesterday I went to the bank with Kyle to deposit checks. It felt good to get out of the house.

Yesterday we also wanted to watch a movie. Some people may think that sounds silly, but it's nice to have a break from our grief every once in a while. We had gotten a few movies as gifts, but we decided not to watch We Bought a Zoo because a few friends told us it could be a sad movie. So we decided to watch Man of Steel instead. I hadn't seen it and being an action movie we figured it was a safe bet. We put in the DVD and the opening scene played. If you know anything about Superman's beginnings you may know what happened next. Not our best choice.

The opening scene is a mother in labor. Very soon after birth the mother holds her newborn baby and the father reminds her that it's time to send the baby away. The mother claims that she's not ready. She says how much she wants to hold her baby. She comments about how she'll never see her baby grow up and never see him walk. 

I knew her pain all too well. I started crying and my sweet husband comforted me as he quickly explained that he had not remembered this scene at all from the first time he saw the movie. So much for avoiding the 'sad zoo movie.'

Today we went to Walmart to buy a couple of needed items and the storage boxes for our baby things. I think I got a little overzealous about the shopping trip because halfway through I had to stop and be held up by my husband. I was exhausted. Quickly we checked out, but after making our purchases I remembered that I had wanted to look for a wrapping paper holder. I wanted one that stored the rolls and had a place on top to store tape and scissors and such. So Kyle took our purchases to the car for me as I looked at the Christmas storage area.

I found the one I wanted on a high shelf. I asked an associate for help and she redirected me to the front of the store where she said there were more on a lower shelf. Being the stubborn girl that I am, I walked all the way to the front of the store lightheaded and sweaty without Kyle by my side. I struggled but I made it all the way there to find out that those storage bins were different; no place to store the tape and scissors. I could see by the sticker on the side of the bin that they were in fact different.

So I made it back to the Christmas storage area. I made it back where Kyle was waiting for me, probably wondering where I had gone. I saw another associate, so I walked over to ask him about the bin on the high shelf. He told me about the bins at the front of the store on a lower shelf. I explained that the bins were different. Very quickly he replied that the bins were the same, that he just a few days ago moved all the bins from the high shelf to the front of the store. Then he turned away.

And I lost it. I started sobbing right in the middle of the aisle and I ran back to Kyle. I explained through my tears and I told Kyle we needed to leave. But my sweet husband climbed those shelves faster than I'd ever seen him move. He grabbed the bin and pulled it down for me. Turns out it wasn't exactly what I had wanted, but for the record, it was surely different than the 'same' one on the lower shelf. There was no real reason to cry right in the middle of Walmart over a wrapping paper holder, but that's hormones and that's exhaustion and that's grief, I guess.

We had joined a trial of Amazon Prime and tonight we decided to start to watch BBC's Sherlock. It's a pretty creepy show to watch at night, but watching shows and movies often gives us a break from our grieving.  But it turns out in Sherlock's first episode of the first season they find out the victim scratched a name in the floor before she died. They dig deeper to find out the name is her daughter’s name. They decide to find her daughter, then one of the police guys says something along the lines of ‘no use, she died 14 years ago, before she was ever born actually, she was her stillborn daughter.’ Sherlock replies,’why would someone still care about that, something that happened so long ago?’

And again I was in tears. Hannah will always be in our heart, she will always matter. And so we soon after switched to a much more happy Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. It's a musical and it's probably the happiest thing you will ever watch. And in all the happiness they have a new baby girl. And the father turns to the mother and asks her name. And the mother replies, 'Hannah.' And then I started to cry.

Now we laugh because we couldn't have planned all of these movies had we even tried.

But reminders of our grief are everywhere, as much as we try to avoid them, they will follow us forever. I told someone it's like when you get a pair of Chacos, you realize how many other people are wearing them, you see them everywhere. Except that in this instance our 'Chacos' are loss.

My prayer is that these reminders will make us think of our sweet girl and smile at the joy she brought us, rather than crying because there’s still such a great emptiness where she once was.

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