Lincoln: Three Months

Three Months

 

February 2015

 

 

Little Buddy,

It seems we finally have a routine.

After all the traveling and all the transition, here we are. In the day it's just you and me. I take more pictures than I do showers, maybe even 100 to 1. But you know what they say, 'a picture lasts longer than a shower.' Or maybe they don't say that at all...

You are getting bigger. I heard Daddy call you his 'little buddy' one day and it just stuck. I stopped calling you Little One and now you're our Little Buddy. It fits because you seem more every day like a little boy than a baby. You're growing so fast I think you're almost to 14 pounds and we're breaking into the 6 to 9 month clothes at an alarming rate.

It is true, you are the happiest baby, smiling when I sing or change your diaper. Yes, you smile most when I change your diaper. Your dad and I sometimes call it a 'reset.' You'll be all fussy and we just have to lay you on your changing table and out come the smiles.

Your dad has taken to making silly faces and dancing and singing for you. He can make you smile more than anyone. There are times when I catch you staring at our front door, almost as if you know that at 5 o'clock your daddy is going to come walking through. I think maybe you think Dad just sits on the other side of that door all day, hiding.

Just like Mom and Aunt Payton, you love looking at yourself in the mirror. It makes tummy time quite simple because you are completely content laying on your stomach as long as you can see your own face.

Really the only time we find you fussy is when you wake up from a nap too early or when you poop. We talk about poop a lot it seems. And yes, we talk about naps all the time. We're working on naps in the crib but you still prefer moms arms. Right now you sleep great at night in your own crib, in your own room, without a pacifier even. We still swaddle you, we even had to buy a larger swaddle, but you love it. I will say that we 'say' you're a good night sleeper, but we are still waking you at night.

We wake you as we wait for your skin biopsy results to return. "One gene at least" they said, and now we wait to see if you actually have VLCAD or not. I may have freaked out a bit over your skin biopsy when the scab got caught in the gauze, but so far the biopsy site is healing nicely. They say the scar will fade.

We did start putting you in cloth diapers and I'm certain that someday you'll think we're either really weird or really cool when we tell you that. Who knows? The culture seems to swing there and back and well so far the diapers seem to be working for you.

You made me smile in the best way when I took your three month pictures. Sometimes I forget how big a blessing you are and then God reminds me. There you were laying on our bed when all of a sudden something caught your eye. You wouldn't smile at the camera for me, but you saw our Hannah bear and your face lit up. I'm sure you had no clue what it was, but God reminded me of the sweetness of you. You'll always be her little brother, whether you realize it or not.

But yes, we are back to the day to day. It's time for real life now. The days of you and me, Little Buddy. I cannot wait to take you on adventures and see what the days will hold.

Love you always,
Mom

 



Remembering October

Today is October first. The entire fall season seemed to sneak up on me this year.

I will admit, however, that my grief didn't sneak up. It rolled in a bit early and filled my thoughts more than I'd imagine almost two years later. Someone told me they were thinking of our Hannah the other day and my reply back was a thanks and simply that 'yes, me too, a lot lately for some reason.' I don't know if its the cooling weather or the return to our home here in Texas. But that sweet girl has been on my mind.

And now it's October and October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. While I don't have any new stories for you today, I would like to invite you to read the stories I was so blessed to share here last October. They are all written by those affected by loss, and they are beautiful stories of the Lord's goodness.

It has been my joy to get to know some of these mothers a little better over the last twelve months. And it has been my great joy to get little messages from those who have been so blessed to have new babies, one of which was born just last night. How perfect.

So if you didn't catch them last October or simply wanted to read them again, here they are.

October

In the Presence of God: Catherine Causey

Hartley: Madison Dumas

Twenty-two Years Later: Brandie Grant

Harper: Amber Roberts

In This Storm: Cherish Montgomery

John Carter & Elliot: Katie Bryant

Fear Does Not Hold Me Any Longer: Katie Haley

Bryant Cole: Molly Brown

Amathyst: Celimar

Back Further Than Nine Weeks: Christy Cash

Even Nine Months Later

And mommas (and daddies) out there, those who have shared your stories and those who have not, know that this momma is praying for you today.

Lincoln: Two Months

First, let's talk about how my kid is eleven months old. Eleven months!

Second, let's talk about how I've been taking monthly pictures and writing for him each month and how I only posted the first month here on the blog. Ya know, like, ten months ago.

Third, let's talk about how I thought my kid was the cutest and I thought my photography skills were so great and now I look back on these old pictures and think 'oh man.' I remember jumping for joy because Lincoln was 'smiling' and now I realize he looks a little grumpy compared to now. Turns out the kid is actually getting cuter...

Hope you enjoy these. A little flash from the past before we get ready for Lincoln to turn ONE! And you know for me to finally finish  writing his birth story.

Life with a kid is, well, busy. That's my excuse.

Two Months

January 2015

Little One,

Two months. And you've already seen so many things, been so many places, and met so many people who love you.

Today we're in Oklahoma. We're doing a bit of this crazy thing called camp. Today it's the winter retreat we call "Fifty-Two." This is the third stop on quite a slew of holiday travel, because, well, everyone wants to see you Little One.

First we went  to Lake Charles for Christmas and then to Norman for a second Christmas and now up to Quapaw for Fifty-Two. We've only spent one night in our own house in almost two weeks. You're a travelling babe.

Two months and now you've already seen traces of snow. You measured 13 lbs 5 ounces and 23 3/4 inches at your last doctor's appointment and you barely fit into the 0-3 month clothes. You're chunky, tis true. You're strong and you can find our hair and pull it tight. You just started using a pacifier and we had to buy the Mam brand pacifiers because things got a little crazy when we used the other brands. Diva, I guess. You watch me and daddy and you can follow us around the room now with your beautiful blue eyes. The best part is that you can smile at us now. Oh that smile. It melts my heart.

It is now that you want to sleep longer than 3 and a half hours at night, but we haven't heard back yet about your VLCAD so we still have to wake you. I walk through the dark of night and slip in your room. I pick you up gently, feed you, and slip you right back into your crib. I'm not even sure if you wake up some times. Someday maybe we can let you sleep. But that day is not today.

You have a favorite friend and it's sweet to see you love something that isn't me or daddy. But we laugh because of all things, you love the little blue birdie that hangs over your bouncer. You stare at that little guy like he's your best friend in the world and sometimes I catch you just a smiling at him. But that's who you are. So little and you already love so well.

We love you. It's a joy to know you, to realize every day that I get to meet more of you. It's been two months and I'm tired. But I am blessed.

I love you Little One,

Mom

 

Under Eye Circles and 300 Hour Napping

Last time I wrote was July 8th.

My apologies.

Life has been a little different with Lincoln.

In the best of ways.

But it's taken me longer to figure out how to find the time for things other than poop and peek-a-boo and naps and turning every song into something having to do with my son. I had every intention of 'figuring out my life' in January at the new year, but apparently just because you put something on your calendar it doesn't mean it happens. Who knew?

There was also a little snag in my 'plan.'

I held Lincoln for every nap from the time he was four months old until he was about 8 months old. Every nap. Well unless we were in the car and then he slept in his car seat. But, that's a lot of naps. Approximately 2-3 hours a day for four months. Rough math and that's 300 hours, or like 12.5 entire days.

I remember reading a message board for mothers whose babies 'wouldn't nap without being held' back when all of this started and I remember reading that one mother held her baby for FOUR MONTHS for EVERY NAP! And I thought, my goodness woman, I could never!

And then I did.

I gave up 2-3 hours of time every day to snuggle my little buddy and he was the happiest baby anyone had ever met; still is. Easy peasy. Or I could watch him scream at naptime, refuse to hold him, and deal with cranky pants baby all day. Cranky pants was not my choice.

I know you're thinking, 'but did you try...?' Yes. I did. I asked everyone, I bought a sleep plan. And then we moved miles away from home and lived at camp. Some nights sleeping conditions were not optimal for a baby and some days they weren't either.

Oh, did I forget to mention that Lincoln also woke every 2-3 hour at night during this time?

I remember a night in June when Lincoln slept for the first time for 8 hours straight. I was bouncing around camp the next morning telling everyone. I remember the faces of the college kids when they realized how excited I was for sleep. They realized my state of sleep deprivation. I fear that some of them will put off having children for at least the next twenty years if for that reason alone.

Sadly that 8 hour night was not a permanent change, just a sweet one time thing. But I stuck to the book. I followed all the instructions and made sure my kiddo got rest. I was consistent and one day it just clicked. Gone were the minutes (sometimes, hours) of fighting sleep in his crib.  It was like he just grew up one day and decided that he may in fact be okay without me close by.

And now he just fall right to sleep.

I lay him down for naps and he snoozes. I lay him down at night and he sleeps stretches of 9 and 10 hours at a time pretty much every night. Some days he sleeps in a little in the mornings and I'm sooooo okay with that.

And so the time has come. All of a sudden I'm doing more than surviving.  All those promises I made "when Lincoln starts to sleep better" I've gotta get to.

Like exercising and writing and cleaning. And sometimes just kicking back and doing nothing at all. Just sitting on the couch with NOTHING in my hands.

Just because I can.

Even now as I write less than two months later, it seems like so long ago. It seems so crazy that I held him for so long.

But that's why I love being his mother. Because I get to give him as much of myself as I want to. Sometimes it's every moment I have, sometimes it's probably less than I should, sometimes more than I 'should', and sometimes I find the great balance that is motherhood.

I don't feel like a saint or a martyr or even feel guilty that I was "spoiling him." I feel like I loved him exactly as I wanted to, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Life will never be like before I was a mother, but I don't want it to be.

This has been the greatest gift, even if a 10 year old called me out on my under-eye circles. I told her they were genetic and that I also didn't get much sleep. She didn't understand, but some day it'll be her turn too. Maybe she'll embrace her under-eye circles too, and I hope she loves motherhood as much as I do.