Dec 17, 2014

Thanks for Hannah

I'd been working on something special for today, but it felt a little too much about me. It felt a little too real on a day when I believe I'd like to instead just celebrate and smile through my tears.

So for today we'll celebrate our little girl. The eight pound three ounce baby girl that made me a mother for the very first time. Our Hannah.

For all the tears, there has been more joy. For all the hurting, there has been more love. For all the pain, there has been more comfort. For all the 'why God?' there has been much, much more 'Thank you Lord.'

Almost every day I pray thanking the Lord for our Hannah. Sometimes it's longer, sometimes it's more details, but usually it's a simple prayer. "Thanks for Hannah."

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the day I took the third pregnancy test and ran to the store to buy a little onesie to tell my husband. Oh the excitement that day as I told him that 'I thought' we were pregnant! I remember trying so hard to wait until we were sure to be excited; it didn't work one bit.

Thank you for the secret that we held so dear and then slowly got to share with the ones we love. Thank you for the community that was so excited to share in our joy, like when my brother tried to ignore the baby bottle in the fridge telling him we were pregnant, and when my sister was so happy that she ugly cried right in the kitchen.

Thank you for the ultrasound that Kyle and I got to see together. Even if I thought the yolk sac was the baby's head. And thank you for that wonderful due date, Christmas Eve, that made everything seem so very magical.

Thank you for the weekly pictures that we took as my belly got bigger. Even when I ran around the house to find an outfit to wear hoping to not be wearing the same outfit in every picture when very few items of clothing fit.

Thank you for the summer we spent in Colorado with our baby in the belly. Thank you for the human resources presentation that was in such close vicinity to the kitchen when ground beef was cooking. Yes, thank you for that run to the back porch to throw up and tell my pregnancy secrets.

Thank you for the families that we got to love and be loved by in Colorado. Thank you for the man who announced they'd throw us a baby shower before checking with his wife, and thank you for that shower. It was the overflow of that community of love that was so very dear to us after we lost our girl.

Thank you for the kids both at work and at church who continued to ask me wonderful questions about my belly. Questions like "Why's your belly so huge Mrs. Hess?" "There's a baby in there?!?" "Why won't you show me the baby in your tummy?" and "How are they gonna get that baby out?" made me smile more than I had ever imagined. Trying to figure out how to answer them was the best part.

Thank you for the room in our home that was perfect for a nursery. Thank you for the time, energy, and funds that it took to turn that 'other bedroom' into a nursery for our sweet girl even though she never slept in it. Thank you for the no-VOC paint and the giant mask so that I could be the one to paint her nursery and do it safely.

Thank you for the nice warm baths that I took all too often in the third trimester. And thank you for the kitchen thermometer that I used to make sure the bath water wasn't outside the range of safety for pregnant women. Thank you for a husband who didn't think I was completely insane for keeping that thermometer on the bathroom counter for weeks.

Thank you for every time I heart Hannah's little heartbeat. Thank you for making me record it so that I could send it to Kyle in Colorado; thank you because I could hear her heartbeat anytime I wanted even after it stopped beating.

And thank you for Hannah. For making her beautiful even though she wouldn't live even a moment outside my belly. Thank you for the way you allowed me to fall in love with her every day. Thank you for the times 'we' sang in the car, for the times 'she' tooted and made Kyle laugh, and for the times that she 'made' me eat the yummiest of things. Thank you for giving me the idea to have her kick Kyle every morning to wake him up so that he too had a relationship with her before she was gone.

There are so many things I am grateful for other than these simple things, for the love and joy and beauty after Hannah was gone. For the glory of the Lord because of her sweet short life.

But today I'm just thinking about the simple ones, the fact that she had Kyle's brown hair even though I 'just knew' she'd have my blonde locks. Today, many things made me smile.

Dear Lord thank you for Hannah, who made me smile and glow for nine months, who has taught me so very much about your love.

Thanks for Hannah, take good care of her until I get there,

Brittany, Hannah's Mom

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