Once on My List

Sometimes I wonder if you think our lives are somber and relentless.

If you don’t know me, you may in fact think that our life is  only hard.

It’s because the hard times tend to draw me closer to the keyboard than the easy ones. The same way I’m sure I draw closer to the Lord.

But I want to make sure you know that our lives are filled with great joy.

If you want to see it on a regular basis, simply follow me on Instagram. Anyone who does, knows that I will take ten million pictures of Lincoln smiling and post them all in one day. Yes, I know, my baby is the cutest baby you’ve ever seen. I agree.

(I also know that you think your own child is the cutest and you’re just being nice. Or maybe you haven’t had kids yet and you do think my kid is the cutest. But I’m not delusional, I know I will forever think my kids are the best, even if somehow proven otherwise.)

But there are lots of smiles here at the Hess House. There is a whole lot of love here. And honestly, it’s kept me away from writing for a bit.

When Hannah was born I needed to write. My survival was Jesus and writing and hugs from my husband, along with a steady stream of chocolate and friends and worship music. But now writing is my desire. I want to write. I long to write. But there are times when a little guy takes quite a bit of my time and we laugh until he gets the hiccups and I forget all about writing.

And I think that’s just the honest truth about this stage of life.

I spend my days making a little boy laugh and giving him the hiccups. And then soon after, I regret said laughter because of said hiccups because he won’t fall asleep with the hiccups. But honestly, the fighting through the hiccups is worth the laugher. It always is.

So you may not have heard from me much lately. There are many things I want to write, but I’m in this season where a tiny human steals me away from all the things that were once on my list.

I grieve my dreams of being the best dietitian or the most influential writer or the most motivating and thoughtful friend. And today, in this season that is so very short I am a mother.

Yes, I can still have my dreams. Yes, I can still write (and I will still be writing here!). Yes, I can still tell you more than you ever wanted to know about diabetes.

But I dreamt for a long time about the day I would get to be a wife and a mother. And in this season, these are the dreams that are coming true.

It’s what motherhood looks like to me in the last days and months. It’s the giving up of myself to gain an exquisite task. I get to learn more and more about how the Lord gave himself up for us. I get to be a mother today.