But She Wasn't There

These are the moments that have made up the last two months of our lives. As the Lord has taught us, I have been writing. It does me so much good to put into words what the Lord is teaching me or what I am feeling as we go. If at times it sounds like I'm preaching to you, it's more than likely not the case; but I had to write it to preach to myself. To have something to read and remind me of what this was like, when I feel as if I've made no progress at all, it helps me to read about the past. When I forget the goodness of the Lord, it helps me to read of his blessings.

If you'd like to read more about the story of our Hannah Grace click here.

Some of these writings may sound like they've been thrown together, but I'm posting them just as they were when I wrote them.

December 19, 2013

I don’t know quite where to start. There are moments when I know that we’re going to be okay and moments that my heart physically aches. That feeling that I get in my right thumb when my heart is broken has become all more common in the last few days.

There are moments when everything seems to be okay and then in an instant I remember something very specific that pulls my heart from my chest.

Yesterday morning once Kyle woke up he turned to me and I smiled at him. I snuggled close to him and went to move his covers so that I could slide in close. Then I realized what I was doing. I was doing what I’d done each morning since he returned from Colorado. I was sliding in so our sweet baby could kick him so she could say good morning to her daddy. But she wasn’t there.

My heart broke. And I just cried.

I know there will be moments like that constantly when I almost forget that she’s gone.

One of those moments started out funny, actually. We were in the hospital waiting for labor to progress and the nurse was checking in on me. The nurse was standing there in our room and I tooted accidentally (oh, the embarrassments of childbirth). I hoped no one noticed and then Kyle laughed as the nurse walked out of the room. He had heard, and I laughed and said how embarrassed I was then I went to say, “but it wasn’t me…”

and then I remembered.

See for almost 10 months I’ve been the embarrassingly gassy pregnant lady. And anytime Kyle heard me I would say, “but it wasn’t me, it was the baby, I was just letting it out for the baby” in a cute little baby voice. But there in the hospital, it was not our baby, for our baby was no longer alive.

There are things I say now constantly about her, about what has happened to us, about what happened to her. When I start to cry I often repeat these things.

She was so perfect. She was so beautiful.

I miss her.

I just wanted to be her mom. I just wanted to hold her while she was alive. I know God is holding her, but I’m selfish and I wanted to hold her first.