February 24, 2014
It's hard to believe that we are almost through February. But when I say it's been sixty nine days since Hannah was born sometimes it seems like a long time and sometimes it seems like it was yesterday.
Time has been healing for us. But it's been very intentional time, not simply just the passing of time. It's been time crying, time reading, time understanding why I am crying and if the reasons seem healthy. I have had to plan time to rest so that I have time to do these thing. For the first few weeks I would cry and it was okay if I didn't know why. We all knew why. But then as the weeks go on I've been trying to understand the reason for my crying. I understand that at any time, it's okay to cry but it helps me to figure out why.
At times I'm crying and then after thinking through it I realize it's because I miss my daughter. And that's something that doesn't contradict truth, it's okay to miss her. It's the very best reason I cry.
Other times I'm crying and I'm in a desperate place and I begin to cry more because I feel as if I've been singled out. As if the Lord has left me to all of the sorrow. And then I remember that his truth says he will never leave me or forsake me. I cannot believe the lies, I must believe the truth. The sorrow is okay, but to think the Lord has left me is a lie. To think that I have been singled out may be true, but I may have been singled out to be called with a purpose for the Lord, not simply to be a target for hurt or pain, but to be one who has been called to understand his love more deeply, to comfort those who share my pain, to share with others the truth of his word even in suffering, and to proclaim his unending love to everyone who can hear my heart even through tears that are pictures of my hurt.
This weekend was a wonderful time. I would say it felt almost 'normal.' Few things reminded me of my sorrow. We volunteered at a wonderful fundraising event, we stayed the night in a nice hotel, we went to brunch at a yummy place the next morning and the weather was perfect. But there was a line to wait in for the brunch place, Kyle suggested maybe we try another restaurant. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had to excuse myself so I could cry the bathroom stall rather than cry in the middle of a busy restaurant. Kyle didn't do anything wrong. But here I was crying.
I'm not sure why I was crying. I tried to figure it out. I think our 'perfect' weekend suddenly hit a flaw and it was hard for me to handle. I don't know if it had to do with Hannah directly, but maybe that I'm just trying too hard to hold it all together. I was so proud of our weekend feeling so very 'normal' for the first time in a long time, that maybe a bump in the road sent me to tears. Or maybe I'm still very delicate when it comes to the changing of plans, after all the changing of plans we've been through.
Maybe it was because the weekend had been busy and I had put off grieving. Maybe it was time it caught up to me.
I don't have all the answers, but I'm trying my best. I do know I cannot believe the lies that my sorrow tries to tell me, but I must believe the Lord's truth. I must believe what his word says and hold fast to that. I cannot let satan take what the Lord can work together for His good.
God gets all the glory on this one. I won't let anyone else take it, including myself.
Mar 31, 2014
Mar 28, 2014
Three Letters
I continue to share these memories, because I want you to see how every day the Lord has made us stronger in Him. Some days it's five steps forward and some days it feels like fifteen steps back. But the Lord has never left us, never forsaken us. Oh how the Word is so full of truth, we are blessed to see His truths lived out daily. These are the memories.
March 4, 2014
Today we had a snow day. It's something so wonderful and crazy to be happening in March in Texas. The schools were closed and I got to stay home in my cozy house.
Kyle came back from the mailbox with letters in his hand. I guess the mail people really do deliver in rain, sleet, or snow like they've always said.
Those three letters meant a lot to me.
Our mail box has been filled with letters since last fall. First the letters congratulated us on our baby to come. And then in December the letters said how sorry they were for our loss. The letters came from so many. I got mail from so many states from so many friends and family and friends of family and family of friends. I was so very encouraged by how many people were praying for us, by how many people sent us scripture and truth, by how many people shared with us that they had been in our shoes before.
We had letters come in filled with love. We had letters filled with scripture and truth. We had letters filled with checks too. I say this because those checks and that support meant more to me that I ever would have imagined. When you're planning for your firstborn you don't think about saving up for things like funeral expenses. We even had a letter come in unnamed with quite a bit of money in it; we have no idea who it is from so we can't even write a thank you letter, but we truly are grateful. Thank you.
Some days our mailbox was filled with packages. I had a friend from long ago send me a necklace she made for me, for Hannah. It had Hannah's name on it. I opened it and I cried. Even though we didn't have our baby, this necklace was proof she was real. It's was something I could hold in my hand to remember that she really happened. Thank you.
One day Kyle delivered the mail and there was a package from the wonderful people I worked with at my very first job as a dietitian. Many of them are still like family to me. One I recently found out even came to Hannah's funeral. I did not see her, but I found her name on the list and now I know she was there. But inside the package was a letter from those wonderful people. And inside was a beautiful silver heart necklace. I looked closer and saw that the heart had Hannah's initials on it. And then I turned the heart over and saw that the other side was engraved with my initials. It became a tangible reminder to me that not only was our baby girl real, but she was mine, our hearts would be forever connected. You should see how beautiful this heart is with her name on it. Thank you.
We received more letters. My cousin who lives so far away sent me multiple letters. I haven't even written her back yet because I'm not sure what to say. They always told me growing up that I was like her. It was always a compliment to me, but now we're both 'grown up' and seeing her words in those letters it makes me even more proud of that compliment. Thank you.
We received more gifts too. The ones that seemed to mean the most to me were the ones with Hannah's name. We got a blanket with her name and birthday and weight on it and I love that blanket. It's really soft too. We got a couple of Christmas ornaments with her name on them and I love that we can decorate the tree with Hannah's ornaments every year. She will always be our Christmas baby. But I would say I'm glad we only got a few things with her name on it and that I'm glad they are mostly things we can wear and use at special times of the year. If we had gotten lots and lots of things I'm sure I would have held onto them too tightly. Pilling them up. Because I just simply can't get rid of the few things that were Hannah's. Thank you.
But today I got three letters.
The first was a letter from the Louisiana Baptist Children's Home. I don't know much about the home, but I know growing up our church was always supporting the children's home. Someone had donated to them in Hannah's name. Our Hannah was helping other children. Thank you.
The second letter was from the McNeese State University Baptist Collegiate Ministry. No, I did not go to McNeese, but many of my family members did. And my uncle is the director of the BCM there. He works so hard to love college students well and to challenge them to be more like Christ daily. He challenged me a few times and it changed my life. It made me smile as I thought about our Hannah 'encouraging' people to help that ministry. Thank you.
The third letter was one of a few we have received from Sky Ranch. Sky Ranch is part of our daily ministry. We leave in the summers to serve at their family camp in Colorado; you should see how that camp impacts families for the Lord. And Kyle turned to me just a few days after Hannah was born and told me of an idea he had. He had seen before how people sometimes say 'in lieu of flowers' and recommend a foundation or ministry that can be donated to in memory of one who had died. Kyle thought about the families we serve. And he thought about how a family, especially one where siblings remained, would be rocked by losing a child. So he setup a fund in memory of our girl, the Hannah Grace Hess Scholarship Fund to scholarship a family, to pay their way to family camp in Colorado. We could not imagine a more special time for a family. To have fun, to laugh, to be loved on, and to be reminded of a Lord who loves them and who had created their family for a purpose.
And so I read that letter. I read all the names of the people who donated in Hannah's name. I have no idea how much has been raised. I have no idea who this family will be. But I pray this is somehow a blessing to them. I pray that this family would feel as loved as I felt when I read all those names. Thank you. All those people who loved us, who loved our Hannah, who helped give our Hannah an impact on this world that she never lived in.
Thank you.
Romans 8:28 God works all things together for good...
For those who have asked, if you would like to make a donation to the Hannah Grace Hess Scholarship Fund, you can contact Sky Ranch at 469-484-4840 or by visiting SkyRanch.org and clicking on donate.
March 4, 2014
Today we had a snow day. It's something so wonderful and crazy to be happening in March in Texas. The schools were closed and I got to stay home in my cozy house.
Kyle came back from the mailbox with letters in his hand. I guess the mail people really do deliver in rain, sleet, or snow like they've always said.
Those three letters meant a lot to me.
Our mail box has been filled with letters since last fall. First the letters congratulated us on our baby to come. And then in December the letters said how sorry they were for our loss. The letters came from so many. I got mail from so many states from so many friends and family and friends of family and family of friends. I was so very encouraged by how many people were praying for us, by how many people sent us scripture and truth, by how many people shared with us that they had been in our shoes before.
We had letters come in filled with love. We had letters filled with scripture and truth. We had letters filled with checks too. I say this because those checks and that support meant more to me that I ever would have imagined. When you're planning for your firstborn you don't think about saving up for things like funeral expenses. We even had a letter come in unnamed with quite a bit of money in it; we have no idea who it is from so we can't even write a thank you letter, but we truly are grateful. Thank you.
Some days our mailbox was filled with packages. I had a friend from long ago send me a necklace she made for me, for Hannah. It had Hannah's name on it. I opened it and I cried. Even though we didn't have our baby, this necklace was proof she was real. It's was something I could hold in my hand to remember that she really happened. Thank you.
One day Kyle delivered the mail and there was a package from the wonderful people I worked with at my very first job as a dietitian. Many of them are still like family to me. One I recently found out even came to Hannah's funeral. I did not see her, but I found her name on the list and now I know she was there. But inside the package was a letter from those wonderful people. And inside was a beautiful silver heart necklace. I looked closer and saw that the heart had Hannah's initials on it. And then I turned the heart over and saw that the other side was engraved with my initials. It became a tangible reminder to me that not only was our baby girl real, but she was mine, our hearts would be forever connected. You should see how beautiful this heart is with her name on it. Thank you.
We received more letters. My cousin who lives so far away sent me multiple letters. I haven't even written her back yet because I'm not sure what to say. They always told me growing up that I was like her. It was always a compliment to me, but now we're both 'grown up' and seeing her words in those letters it makes me even more proud of that compliment. Thank you.
We received more gifts too. The ones that seemed to mean the most to me were the ones with Hannah's name. We got a blanket with her name and birthday and weight on it and I love that blanket. It's really soft too. We got a couple of Christmas ornaments with her name on them and I love that we can decorate the tree with Hannah's ornaments every year. She will always be our Christmas baby. But I would say I'm glad we only got a few things with her name on it and that I'm glad they are mostly things we can wear and use at special times of the year. If we had gotten lots and lots of things I'm sure I would have held onto them too tightly. Pilling them up. Because I just simply can't get rid of the few things that were Hannah's. Thank you.
But today I got three letters.
The first was a letter from the Louisiana Baptist Children's Home. I don't know much about the home, but I know growing up our church was always supporting the children's home. Someone had donated to them in Hannah's name. Our Hannah was helping other children. Thank you.
The second letter was from the McNeese State University Baptist Collegiate Ministry. No, I did not go to McNeese, but many of my family members did. And my uncle is the director of the BCM there. He works so hard to love college students well and to challenge them to be more like Christ daily. He challenged me a few times and it changed my life. It made me smile as I thought about our Hannah 'encouraging' people to help that ministry. Thank you.
The third letter was one of a few we have received from Sky Ranch. Sky Ranch is part of our daily ministry. We leave in the summers to serve at their family camp in Colorado; you should see how that camp impacts families for the Lord. And Kyle turned to me just a few days after Hannah was born and told me of an idea he had. He had seen before how people sometimes say 'in lieu of flowers' and recommend a foundation or ministry that can be donated to in memory of one who had died. Kyle thought about the families we serve. And he thought about how a family, especially one where siblings remained, would be rocked by losing a child. So he setup a fund in memory of our girl, the Hannah Grace Hess Scholarship Fund to scholarship a family, to pay their way to family camp in Colorado. We could not imagine a more special time for a family. To have fun, to laugh, to be loved on, and to be reminded of a Lord who loves them and who had created their family for a purpose.
And so I read that letter. I read all the names of the people who donated in Hannah's name. I have no idea how much has been raised. I have no idea who this family will be. But I pray this is somehow a blessing to them. I pray that this family would feel as loved as I felt when I read all those names. Thank you. All those people who loved us, who loved our Hannah, who helped give our Hannah an impact on this world that she never lived in.
Thank you.
Romans 8:28 God works all things together for good...
For those who have asked, if you would like to make a donation to the Hannah Grace Hess Scholarship Fund, you can contact Sky Ranch at 469-484-4840 or by visiting SkyRanch.org and clicking on donate.
Mar 27, 2014
Two Options
It's been one hundred days since our Hannah was born. Today we celebrate our girl and so much more. Oh how the Lord chooses to bless us in ways we could have never imagined. Every day the Lord has been with us, and every day he will be. This post is just simply posted in order, but it seems so appropriate for today. I thank our Lord daily for our Hannah.
If you'd like to read more about the story of our Hannah Grace click here.
January 14, 2014
If you'd like to read more about the story of our Hannah Grace click here.
January 14, 2014
As I read today I thought about how I’ve wondered why the Lord
didn’t save our Hannah, why she didn’t get to live.
And I thought about how we
think those are the two options: she could live and she could die and 'God let
her die.' But that’s not the only other option. He could have never given her to
us. What if the two options instead were: have us get pregnant or have us not
get pregnant. And then the perspective changes, and then we thank him. We could
have been trying for months to get pregnant with no success and then we would
cry out ‘Lord where are you?’
But instead he gave us sweet Hannah Grace. Yes,
her life was short, but oh we are blessed. How do we so quickly blame the Lord
for the bad without thanking him for the good?
Oh, Lord thank you for our sweet girl Hannah Grace. We are
truly blessed.
Mar 26, 2014
I Want the Memories
I continue to share these memories, because I want you to see how every day the Lord has made us stronger in Him. Some days it's five steps forward and some days it feels like fifteen steps back. But the Lord has never left us, never forsaken us. Oh how the Word is so full of truth, we are blessed to see His truths lived out daily. These are the memories.
If you'd like to read more about the story of our Hannah Grace click here.
January 14, 2014
If you'd like to read more about the story of our Hannah Grace click here.
January 14, 2014
Grief is a funny thing. It’s like a scab that forms only to
be ripped off again at the smallest of things. I’ve yet to determine if things
like this are more like ankle sprains or bone fractures. If the body is weaker or stronger after the injury has healed. I feel as if the Lord says
we’re stronger, but there are many moments I feel so weak. But that’s when the
Lord is my strength.
Grief comes and goes and lasts a lifetime really. It seems our society would have invented a fix-all pill by now for things like grief. A pill that would take away all the hurt and all the pain and all the memories.
But I would never take it.
Because I want the memories.
Grief comes and goes and lasts a lifetime really. It seems our society would have invented a fix-all pill by now for things like grief. A pill that would take away all the hurt and all the pain and all the memories.
But I would never take it.
Because I want the memories.
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