I Promised You Details

Baby Hess Number Two.

I can't stop smiling.

But I can smile and type at the same time, and I did promise you details.

I've got the beginnings of this wonderful story written down to share soon. You know I cannot stay away from the keyboard so easily when I feel like I have so much to say. It's been killing me that I couldn't share our news sooner. I've been writing about the joy of this new wonderful baby, but also the realities of pregnancy after losing your firstborn.

But today, for those of you with a certain kind of questions, I did want to ease your worries.

1. We are excited to be pregnant. We really are. This is not a bad thing, it's not bad timing. It's very, very good. It's a wonderful thing. It's perfect timing.

2. The doctor said it's okay. There was no known cause for Hannah's death other than an umbilical cord accident. There was nothing we could have done to prevent it, nothing we could have done to cause it. The doctor said that my body still works well, and she cleared us to go on to have many more kiddos. She told us to wait a few months and we did actually. We waited until March and turns out we got pregnant real fast. (We know that's not the case for many, so we count ourselves truly blessed.)

3. There's not really any increased risk that we'll have another still birth. Because of the way everything happened, it was truly 'accidental' and not related to any other health conditions. That doesn't mean we're guaranteed a healthy baby, not at all, but the doctor says there's no reason to worry.

4. Either way, pregnancy will be a bit different. Even finding out we were pregnant was different. The doctor had multiple tests done to make sure we had a healthy pregnancy way before we got the 'yay you're pregnant' memo. We've been told we'll have more monitoring this pregnancy, but it all depends how things are going.

5. Just because the doctor says not to worry, doesn't mean we don't. Right now I really am footloose and fancy free. But when we talk about 'the pregnancy' it's harder to say 'the baby' and 'once the baby is born...' just because we know that a pregnancy doesn't always mean you get to hold your living baby in your arms. I'm sure once we close in on 38 or 39 weeks (if we are so blessed) that I will get quite nervous. But we're already praying for that time.

6. We are still celebrating. One of the things I loved most about our pregnancy with Hannah was that we didn't wait until she was born to love her, to talk to her, to tickle her, to tell everyone all about her. We love that our friends and family threw showers in her honor because those ended up being the few parties she'd ever have. I want to celebrate our new little guy (or girl) all along the way too. I know that many people handle pregnancy after loss with great care in keeping the pregnancy a secret for a long time. I know some people need that. For us we need the opposite. We need you to know. We need you to celebrate with us. For us it would be harder to go through any other loss without our friends and family, because you all were such a support to us with Hannah.

7. We are not forgetting Hannah. We would not be able to even if we tried. We were at a wonderful place in our grief when we found out about the new baby, and I am very glad. I don't feel guilty for loving another child 'so soon' because I think we had gotten to a place of acceptance in our grieving. I also know that many may feel healing only 'because of' a new baby', and for us that wasn't the case entirely. Our healing was from the Lord. Even if we lose this new baby, we would be heartbroken but not lost because we still hold fast to our Lord. He is never failing.

8. A new baby does help some though. Part of the pain from losing Hannah is missing her specifically and mourning the loss of her. But some of the pain was not getting to be parents, not having children of our own to raise. So yes, the idea that we're getting a second chance to be parents is wonderful.

9. We pray we get to keep this baby alive, but we know that the Lord has not promised us that. We don't somehow 'deserve' to have a baby because we lost Hannah. Our God is good, baby or not. Even if the very same thing happens all over again, the Lord is still sovereign and still good.

10. We're out of our minds excited and I want to share every detail with you all! And if you know me at all, you know I will. We are up here in Colorado now, so I'll try to keep the blog as updated as I can. But yes, I have lots to tell.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope endures,
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endure.

Even if his good looks very differently than ours, our God is very Good.

the Hesses are Blessed

Today we celebrate Mother's Day and here at the Hess House we are truly blessed.

We are blessed by a God who loves us, who gave his Son for us, who gives us hope in desperation, joy through suffering, and love like we could never imagine.

Today it brings us an incredible joy to announce that we celebrate Mother's Day in a new way. I get a chance to be a mother again. The Hesses are expecting Baby Hess Number Two.

We have no guarantees, but we pray daily for a baby who lives. But surely we pray for another baby that offers the Lord as much glory as our sweet Hannah.

So the news is out: The Hesses are Expecting and today, Mother's Day it is truly a blessing.

Details to come.

I am Praying for the Mothers

I want to write a word to the mothers today.

Mothers, there really are all kinds.

There are grandmothers who have become like mothers once again, fathers who have too often been both father and mother, and then the mothers who have been both mother and father.

There are the courageous women who push through the pain of bringing a child into the world only to then be strong enough to put that baby up for adoption. There are the mothers who fill out all the adoption paperwork, the miles and miles of it, who are praying that that very same baby will soon be called their own.

There are the mothers who have healthy children who delight in the little smiles that fill their houses, but still need more patience than they'll ever have, who dream about the sleep that they once had, and remember the lives they gave up to raise their children. There are the mommas with sick children who pray every day that the Lord would heal their sweet babies and give them life, and there are the mommas with well babies who pray every day for their child's life in Christ.

There are the moms who have broken hearts because although the world does not call them 'mother' they are trying so very hard to become mothers. They have all the love to give but no one yet to give it to. There are the women who long for husbands so that they can become mothers, and the women who have the husbands and the pills and the shots and all the best doctors, but still no babies.

And then there are the mothers I hold so dear to my heart. There are the mothers who cannot hold their babies today. They are the mothers who will not be getting little handmade cards because letters from heaven just don't quite make it on time for Mother's Day. These are the mothers who have been so very blessed to know how much their hearts can love a child so quickly, but also how much their hearts can long for that same sweet face every moment of every day.

There are mothers who live in a very scary world. They long to be mothers again but getting back on the horse means opportunity to feel the deepest of pains all over again. Then there are mothers who have decided to get back on the horse and who are trying their best, but having no luck at all. These mothers want so badly to be a mother to a baby that lives.

There are mothers who are so blessed to be pregnant again after loss. They know the sweet blessing of a baby inside, but they know all too well how much it could hurt to lose this one too. There are days that they smile and celebrate and rejoice and there are days that they are scared to death to love again, scared of what the others say is a small chance but what they know is in fact a reality.

So I pray today for all the mothers - through times of wanting, through moments of the unexpected, through weeks of pregnancy whether blessing or pain, through endless calls and home studies and paperwork, through hours of labor, through months of sleepless nights and selfless love that puts any romance novel to shame, for the years and decades of praying for that little baby that you long for, that you miss dearly, that won't give you a moment's rest, that grew up and away all too soon and took a part of your heart with them.

Today I pray that you will know the sovereignty of the Lord. I pray that you would know He hold the whole world in His hands. I pray that you would praise Him for the joys of motherhood and that you would draw near to Him in the sufferings that come too.

I pray that as the Lord has given you this great Mother's heart to love - that you would see His great love for us, His heartache when He longs for us, His love without regard, His desire for our best even when it sometimes means we don't get exactly what we want, exactly when we want it, His love that loves us enough to see us through pain and suffering and the promise of eternal glory. Oh this great, great love.

So for all of you out there, mothers of all kinds, today, on this very special weekend, I am praying for the mothers.

We made it.

We made it!

After the fifteen hour drive, we made it to Colorado! Right now we're working on getting settled in while working hard to get camp ready for staff in less than two weeks. I'm working on ordering activity gear and making cabin cleaning schedules and figuring out what we need for First Aid training. It's gonna be a busy summer...

But when I say, 'we made it,' I think too of a different idea. The idea that Kyle and I looked at each other many times last December and said 'we're gonna make it.' And here we are. It's almost five months later and the Lord has proven faithful.

I went on a walk just the other morning here in the beautiful San Juan mountains. I grabbed my ipod and prayed and I sang as I looked to the beautiful skies of Colorado. And all the songs were true. My heart still bears much pain at times, but in that moment all I could do was sit and look at the Lord's creation and thank Him for who He is. I thanked him for Hannah. I thanked him for the joy she brought us, but I also reminded him that I miss her. I thanked him for the pain, and the healing, and the way he so majestically draws us near to him in times of suffering. He is just so very good.

So here we are right in the middle of the San Juan Mountains, and here we are making it.

So as I work in this tiny office and I look out the window, I remember that we've come so very far. I remember that God is so very good, his love so very beautiful. And for that I am truly grateful.