When You Wish Upon a Star

Other than meeting Woody, I think I loved the nighttime shows the most during our Spring Break vacation. I love fireworks and I love shows and I love Disney, so you can imagine how wonderful they are all together.

We stood watching as Cinderella's Castle was lit up with lights and projections and how Wreck-It Ralph tore up the castle and good ole Fix-It Felix fixed it right up. We saw our favorite heroes, we saw the most hated villains, and we saw all the Disney Magic come to life.

Then a particular song started to play.

It didn't help that as it started with the voice of a small girl singing. It didn't help to be surrounded by cute little curly-haired brunettes in tiny princess costumes. But the song started to play and I wished so hard that there was truth in it.

When you wish upon a star,

Makes no difference who you are. 

Anything your heart desires, 

Will come to you.

I heard the little girl's voice. I knew my heart's desires. And I knew that wishing upon a star wouldn't make Hannah come back.

It's a sweet song. I love that it inspires people to dream, the song inspires us to think past a world where we are defined by our constraints; to dream of a world when we can achieve what we dream of. If no one ever looked past was they already had who knows where we would be.

But it's not the hard fast truth.

The truth is that God is good, that He loves me, that he is sovereign and works all things for good, that he will give me the desires of my heart when I am following after Him. Sometimes God's dreams for our lives are different than our own dream, and without a doubt they are always better. Always good. Even if it doesn't look like the good we expected.

So there I was, the girl who was crying while standing at the happiest place on earth. Tears were streaming down my face and I was a little embarrassed because I'm sure people thought I was tearing up because the fireworks were so beautiful.

But that wasn't it. I missed my girl. I got caught up and I wished so hard, but I knew there was only one person to be talking to. So I just prayed. I told the Lord how much I missed our sweet Hannah. And I told him how much I wanted another chance to get to be a mother. I pleaded with my Lord to someday give us more babies.

And there I was. Filled with the love of a wonderful God. Standing with my husband behind me, holding me in his arms. My head filled with memories of the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. And then I realized that so many of my dreams have really already come true.

I know the Lord's dreams for my life will come true as I follow Him. I just don't know what his dreams are yet.

So We Booked a Trip to Disney

After losing Hannah, spring break vacation wasn't exactly the first thing on our minds. When we thought about spring break we were thinking I'd be at home on maternity leave snuggling with a little baby, or you know, changing millions of diapers and getting little sleep. Turns out plans change. After I returned to work, I was looking forward to spring break. A much needed time to not only relax, but a time to maybe smile a little more. A vacation seemed like the perfect week after everything we'd been going through.

I will tell you though, and I'll share more on this, but I'm not sure a vacation would always be appropriate for everyone, or that there is a certain time that would be a 'good time' to take a vacation after losing a child. I'm sure that for some people walking around Disney World with millions of smiling children is the exact opposite of what they'd want to do after losing a child.

But I will tell you that our vacation just happened one day.

So one day we were sitting on the couch throwing around Spring Break vacation ideas. It went something like this:

Kyle: What about a fishing trip?
Brittany: What about a beach vacation?
Brittany: Oooooo, what about Disney World?!?
Brittany: Wait, spring break is in like 2 weeks, we can't go to Disney World...
Kyle: Why not?

And so I did what I do best when Kyle says things like "why not?" I research. And in less than 24 hours I had budgeted the entire trip, we knew what the costs were and we decided that it could very well be our last chance to venture to Disney without kiddos. (Well, we hope.) And so we did it, we booked a trip to Disney. I spent the next two weeks planning, researching, and making my DIY vacation tees. Then we were off.

And there we were in Florida. Pulled out of a world that has been so very hard for the past few months, dropped right into a world where everywhere we really did feel like kids again.

I think I probably got way to excited to see Woody. But let me tell you, Buzz and Woody did not disappoint. When people ask me what my favorite moment was at Disney I'm most likely to say meeting Woody. That's me, I grew up with Andy and I just can't get over the fact that I shook hands with Woody. I mean I love mascots/people in giant costumes. Kyle should have known after I screamed for the DQ Blizzard-man in the local parade that I'd be crazy at Disney. But let's just say that it was clear that Woody was excited to see me too... right?

There were moments when Kyle just stared at me. Mostly when I wanted to wait 45 minutes to meet a 'person in a costume' which was obviously the 'real thing'! Or when I jumped up and down at a parade because, well, we were just walking down the street and a small parade popped out of nowhere! That's when I caught Kyle Hess looking at me. He later said that one of the best things he did on vacation was watch me smile. If that's not the sign of a keeper I don't know what else is.

There were times when it seemed like we got to ride in the first row of every ride. I will say that not only did I get picked to be the 'spy' on the Star Tours ride, but I also got picked to have my wand chosen at Ollivander's. We happened upon the very best seats for the parades and wandered into the best viewing area for the fireworks at Cinderella's castle. The day we were at the busiest park just happened to be the day it rained in the morning so we practically walked on to the rides without wait lines. Other than the time a bird pooped on Kyle's hand, I'd say we were the luckiest people at the park. It was very 'Michelle get's to be the princess' circa Full House goes to Disneyland.

Or maybe, not that He had to, but maybe it was God's way of giving us these little reminders that he cares for us. Just little smiles to remind us of how He still in in control of all things, and how he is very, very good.

I'd love to tell you all of the stories. I'd love to tell you all of the research. I'd love to tell you about every one of the 'magical' moments where things just seemed to go our way. But I'm sure many of you would fall asleep reading all the details.

So here's just a little sneak peak into our Disney Vacation. It was this little blessing from God to just relax, to not care about a thing, and to get to spend time with the man that has loved me so very well over the past few months when I've needed it most.

It really is a magical place. Most of all I had a great buddy to spend time with. More pictures to come tomorrow, more stories on Friday.

Smiling Often

I told you that I smile often. We really do, especially that Kyle Hess, he's got a wonderful smile.

See?

Promised.

It's April

I cannot believe that it is already April.

I told someone the other day that it feels to me like somewhere near mid-February. It feels like Valentine's day should be nearing soon. I'm not sure if it's the cold weather that's been lingering around or simply that for quite a while time stood still.

When Hannah was born the clock stopped. The days felt like weeks but often the weeks felt like days. Other than dating my journal entries I had little concept of time. A week later it was Christmas, but even after Christmas had passed it still felt like early December.

Soon the new year came and there was a slight lift. I knew it was January, but if you would have asked for the year I still would have said 2013. It wasn't supposed to be 2014 if my arms where still empty.

Each day I would continue to write. It helped. I started to wake with a purpose. I needed to get about the business of reading, writing, and healing. I spent mornings singing worshiping, and I spend some mornings singing and crying. In late morning I would read and write. But always I'd allow myself to feel.

But as the weeks passed I began to fill the afternoons with change. I began to put our kitchen back together. I cleared out the refrigerator, froze the leftovers from the yummy casseroles. I wrote thank you letters. And I put on my tennis shoes and I went walking, with the sunshine and everything.

Each day felt like a step forward, even if at times or moments it felt like ten or twenty steps back. My return to work was impending and that meant my six weeks was almost up. I knew I wanted to be ready, I knew I wanted to set aside as much time as I could to mourn. Not that I'd be finished mourning by six weeks, not at all, but once I went back to work I knew there would be eight less hours in the day to feel.

My doctor cleared me at my six weeks check up. No more restrictions, nothing to hide behind. Still pain, still hurt, still great sadness, but I was ready to turn my eye to the future to see what the Lord had waiting for me.

I jumped in to the exercise program at work. I jumped back into my daily tasks, the pile of things I had left on my desk in December. But I did it very slowly. Someone told me to make a list of one thing I could accomplish at work each day and set a goal to do at least that. When they told me, I remember thinking 'only one thing?' but then I returned and I realized how much of an accomplishment 'only one thing' really was.

The end of the first week was the hardest. I don't think I realized how much 'processing' I'd be missing out on because I was at work for eight hours a day. I had held in tears that needed to come out. And they did. All at once. And that was okay.

The weeks passed and things got more 'normal'. Or we started a new normal. I could do more every day at home and at work. At church I was reminded that there are others suffering, as easy as it was to think the world was all about us in such pain. At home I was reminded that I am still a wife to a wonderful man. And the Lord continued to remind me that he had a purpose for my life, he still does.

I won't pretend like every minute of every hour was hard. There were moments where somehow I would almost forget and I'd be laughing and smiling. Sometimes I would get busy and I'd be productive for the first time in a long time. But I will tell you that no matter how it looked on the outside every day was and is still hard. Sometimes it's only a few minutes, sometimes it's hours, sometimes it's tears, sometimes it's not. I remember someone saying to me, 'well, I'm sure there are still some times when it's hard.' I wanted so badly to let all my tears out and tell her it's not just hard 'some times' but that it's all the time.

Hannah is part of every moment of every second of my life. Not just 'some times.' But that doesn't mean that every moment is sad. Sometimes she makes me smile.

And each day I smile more. Each day I thank the Lord more that I got to be her mother.

And today it's April. I have no idea how April arrived so very fast. But it's April. And I want you to know that I smile often.