Thirteen Weeks: Heartbeat

May 29, 2014

Thirteen Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

Today I'm not sure if it was you or me or the fact that it was a sweltering 77 degrees today in Gunnison, but it's hot. Worth the trip though to hear your heartbeat. The lady with the doppler machine first found my heartbeat by accident, which wasn't reassuring. There was a split second when I thought I lost you, then there your little heartbeat was. 156 beats per minute. I'm sure someday I'll have the same feeling when I lose you in the grocery store. I'm easily distracted by food, I can almost guarantee it will happen...

I love you. You have a cute heartbeat.

Mom

Twelve Weeks: Snowball Fight

May 17, 2014

Twelve Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

They say you have eyes already, but I'm pretty sure you don't have x-ray vision yet. If you did, you could see the beautiful view tonight at Windy Point. The mountains are beautiful and there is snow all around. Your dad started a snowball fight, which I'm sure you'll come to know as normal after you see how much he loves the snow.

Next year I'll take you to Windy Point again, praying you'll make it to then. Praying hard.

Mom

Eleven Weeks: Kolaches

May 12, 2014

Eleven Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

Yesterday you got your first taste of the Lake City Bakery. Yes, we were the first customers of the summer and yes the entire town was covered in snow. Remind me if it's ever your birthday and you need donuts and it's snowing, remind me that it wouldn't be the first time I went out in snow for donuts and sausage and cheese kolaches for you. Stay warm little one, it's cold out.

Mom

Baby Brain

May 14, 2014

Dear Little Tiny Human,

Maybe you'll be really funny. Maybe you'll be really silly. But today you're taking all that's left of my brain. Give it back or I won't give you yummy ice cream for dinner just for funzies. Okay?

Love always,
You're crazy mother.

So this morning I woke up normal. I got plenty of rest. I even put on make up and put on my new pregnancy skinny jeans just to be cute. Then I headed to our breakfast meeting at camp. I made a bowl of oatmeal and it was time for breakfast devo.

And that's when it happened.

Skeet the camp boss was asking about qualities of a leader. And after reading multiple books on leadership at my other job this year, I had something to share.

I tried.

It didn't work. About one out of every three words didn't come out of my mouth correctly.

When saying 'a leader is...' it came out more like 'see, it, a leader, can, soup...' Poor Kyle was very confused and when the rest of the team asked Kyle what was happening to be he replied, 'I have no idea, maybe she's having a stroke...'

And I kept trying. I'd pull myself together and I'd get a few great words out and then I'd follow with 'so when you get wet' instead of something about leadership. I was the epitome of what one of my good friend calls 'a hot mess.' So I just started laughing.

I started giggling and with everything I had I couldn't stop.

I got up, walked out of the breakfast meeting, stopped in the kitchen, dried my eyes from all the laughter and tried to pull myself together. But then I started crying, like sad crying. And only a few seconds later I'd be laughing at the very same time.

Eventually I could breath normally, and I re-joined the meeting. I sat down and started laughing and had to get right back up and walk right back out.

Oh Little Tiny Human, you and your sister both, you've stolen any bit of intelligence I ever had left...

Ten Weeks: Without Throwing Up or Pulling Over

May 6, 2014

Ten Weeks

Little Tiny Human,

We made it to Colorado. Without throwing up or pulling over on the side of the road. We made all 15 hours of that drive. Now we're in a place that you'll most certainly fall in love with over the years. And surely this place has already started to fall in love with you.

Love always,
Mom

June 19

Today is June 19th.

Today is Jaxon's birthday.

And today I am thankful for that little man named Jaxon that I never got to meet.

The past six months of our lives have been blessed beyond measure because of Jaxon. His mom and dad ran to us in the hospital, they came over and sat on the floor of our living room and talked to us about anything and everything, they helped us plan the funeral that we never thought we'd need to plan, and they put their own lives on hold in the middle of a very busy season to stop and to love us well.

They never said "I understand," but more than anyone, they did understand. And more than anyone, they still do.

It's because they knew. It's because they lost their first son Jaxon before they got to meet him too.

Today I'm thankful for Jaxon. I am thankful that the Lord's Word is true.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 

Thank you Lord for those who can comfort with the comfort they themselves once received from you.

Thank you Lord for Jaxon, for his story, and for using him to show us and so many others your great, great love.

Ugly Cry

April 17, 2014

My sister has the very best ugly cry I've ever seen. Like, better than the Julia Roberts ugly cry. And to top it off it's a happy ugly cry, which makes it even better.

I told my sister last night about our new baby on the way via Skype.

She ugly cried.

I got a picture of it.

Oh I love her so much.

Let's Make a Deal

April 15, 2014

Dear Little Tiny Human,

They say you are the size of a black-eyed pea. I'm not sure why you need this much energy. I know you're building ALL the organs, but I need some energy for me too. Isn't that how it works? Sharing is caring?

Someday I'll teach you to share.

Let's make a deal: I give you all my energy, whatever I have left of anything close to a hot bod, and all my love and you, you just need to live long enough so I can hold you alive. Or maybe long enough that I get to watch you have gray hair and grandchildren.

Okay?

Mom

You Sure Are Popular Around Here

April 15, 2014

So my insurance changed providers.

Now when I get my labs drawn I have to tell them that I'm the person with the insurance that only covers the 'other' lab. The clinic has to draw my blood special and call someone to pick it up. Which means I get to talk extra to the blood draw lady. She was quite friendly but she asked me a question today.

As I was sitting waiting, a few people passed through the room. Nurses, assistants, doctors... Okay maybe more than a few. I smiled at all of them and they all called me by name. I'd love to think it's because I'm friendly. But I know it's both because I've been there quite a bit in the last year, and because of Hannah.

But I don't mind. I like it actually. They don't look at me with pity like others do, but they look at me as a friend, as someone who's story they know, someone they are hoping has a live baby this time.

So when the lady said "Well you sure are popular around here. How do you know everyone so well?" I just shrugged and said, 'I do come here quite often.' And I smiled.

If I'm that girl, I'm at least going to smile about it.

Cozy in the Corner of my Uterus

April 15, 2014

Today the country is running around to make sure their taxes are in, but I slept in.

I had an appointment this morning that allowed me to sleep in for just a few more minutes than normal. I got up, I showered, I had breakfast that was not eaten out of a cup in the car, and I wore my hair all wild and curly. I actually dressed in a maternity shirt today because it was 35 degrees outside in Mid-April and I needed something warm and comfortable. I'm not sure why it's literally freezing outside in Mid-April in Texas, but it is. This has been the winter to talk about for ages.

But this morning I drove to a familiar office. I'd only been last week. I sat in the chair in the waiting room, but today something was different. Last week they told me I had something, they told me that we really did have a baby in there. Had the news been different it could have simply been a wrong pregnancy test, a never-was. But after last week, we know there's a baby in there. Today I risk finding out we've lost something, or better yet someone.

I didn't realize it until I saw how nervous I was in the waiting room. When I went into the ultrasound room it was dark and I was alone. Kyle didn't need to come with me, there will be many visits, there will be much time spent in waiting rooms and he's busy too. I was the one that told him he didn't need to come, but then I realized how much I missed him being there. It was just me. Possibly me and little tiny baby, or possibly just me.

I held in the tears I didn't know I had. I didn't think I would be crying today. And I prayed. I prayed for the Lord's peace, for his comfort, but also for life. I told the Lord I wasn't sure if I'd make it if we lost this one too. And he reminded me that with Him, I would surely make it. No matter the image on the ultrasound.

And then the lady scanned and we saw a little tiny blob. And let's be honest, she saw a blob. All I saw was an empty round hole and no heartbeat. But she reassured me that our baby was there. Turns out this particular ultrasound on such a tiny baby can be difficult when the pregnant lady's bladder is full. Who knew? So me and my full pregnant bladder went to the bathroom and returned. Of course the entire time I was praying for the baby I didn't see.

But then there it was.

She said our tiny baby was 'snuggled all cozy in the corner of my uterus,' which sounded both cute and weird. Little tiny Baby Hess is still a blob. But that blob has a heart beat. Not one we can hear yet, but one that thankfully registers on the screen right around 130 beats per minute. Still tiny, sitting at about 7 weeks.

We now have a December due date. Which I think I just perfect.

The Lemonade Refill Lady

April 8, 2014

Today we saw our tiny little baby on that most wonderful of screens at the baby doctor office!

There's a baby in there! (turns out that little blur is actually a baby :)

Although it looks more like a little tiny dot, they say it's a baby. They say we're probably only about 6 weeks and 6 days at this point so the baby is still very tiny. The doctor said it's too early to hear a heartbeat but we did get to see the monitor pickup the heartbeat. Oh how I can't wait to hear the sound of our baby's heart beating. And then I pray it never stops, not as long as I'm alive at least.

They told us our due date is November 27th. I thought that sounded awful close to Thanksgiving so I looked it up. Turns out November 27th is Thanksgiving this year. Oh how very perfect!

So Kyle and I with new baby pictures in hand headed off to our celebratory lunch at Chick-fil-a. I think I must have been bouncing around the place. And I think the lemonade refill lady noticed.

As we headed out I Kyle and I stopped to refill our lemonades and the lady looked at me and asked, "Are you just having the most wonderful day?" And I, I'm sure grinning ear to ear, replied, 'yes! I am! I am having the most wonderful day!"

And then quickly I took two steps back to Kyle as we walked out the door and I said, "So I almost told her. I almost just said to the lemonade refill lady "Yes! I am! And I am having a baby!" But I held it in.

We're having a baby.

I couldn't be more happy.

I Cannot Make Myself Wait

April 6, 2014

My greatest fear for our newest little baby in the belly is that I won't love him or her as much as I love Hannah. I know it sound silly, but I've heard it's something other mother's fear too, even the ones that didn't lose their babies. That some mothers too feel that somehow they won't have enough love for their second child when they love their first so much.

Another fear is that somehow I won't know how to be a good mother to a live baby. People tell us that we have been wonderful parents to Hannah. But I wonder what that looks like when sleepless nights and poopy diapers are all too common. It's so very easy to be Hannah's mother, because she did no wrong.

As I was reading, I read about how mothers of babies after loss have difficulty attaching to their next children. I'm not sure that'll be the case, but what if it is? It's already been hard to even admit there's a baby in there. It's hard to say 'we're having a baby' because the truth is that we have no idea. We're simply 'pregnant' and pregnancy doesn't always mean you take home a baby in your arms.

And then I cried yesterday because I missed our girl. And then I think I thought about why it's been so hard. And it's because my heart is starting to love another. It won't love Hannah any less, but the truth is, just like when I was pregnant with Hannah, I cannot make myself wait to love this little person.

I've learned all too well that I cannot tell my heart who start and stop loving.

I'm excited. I'm in love. Now I just want to see that baby.

Hard Day

April 6, 2014

Yesterday was hard. Yesterday I missed my girl.

After Friday I think my emotions were all too near.

Kyle was working the weekend and I was at the house doing chores and catching up on mindless television programs. I was resting and relaxing. But turns out my mind was thinking too. It was thinking about our Hannah.

Yesterday I missed her more than I have in a while. My soul ached for her. I wanted so badly to see her, to hold her in my arms, to see exactly what she looked like.

I got out our pictures and I looked at them slowly. I remembered how incredibly beautiful she was. I cried looking at the little hands I would never hold and the feet I would never see grow. I wished so badly that I could hold her again. So I went in her nursery and I picked up the teddy bear that weighs what she weighed and I just held it and rocking in that rocking chair. And I cried.

Just because there are easy days apparently doesn't mean hard ones aren't still coming. There is much joy in our house, but that doesn't mean there still isn't sorrow. I often wonder how long it will last, but I'm not sure I'll ever stop missing her.

Set

April 4, 2014

Yesterday the man from the funeral home called.

Hannah's head stone had been set. It was news I celebrated because I was so excited to see her head stone but news I knew I'd have to mourn because it was so final. It was the forever mark that our little girl is really gone.

I got in my car a few minutes later as work ended and I cried.

There is something so heartbreaking about knowing I am driving to the cemetery. It's still so very odd that we have a reason to drive there. I miss my girl. I miss her so much, going to that cemetery reminds me that she was real and that we really did lose her. The cemetery really is one of the best places I can mourn, there and her room. I feel a little bit closer to her for some reason and so I think I can sit by myself and miss her in a way I can't when I'm distracted by other things.

But it is good. I'm so very blessed that she has a head stone, that there is a place that says she was real. She wasn't just a wish or hope we had, she was our daughter and all of that, the nightmare and the joy, that really did happen.

When I pulled up I saw Hannah's grave. I cried and ached for her. I told the Lord of my deep heartache. Still there is only dirt where she lays. The grass has not yet had time to grow over. It reminds me that time has passed, but not that much.

I stood there and I remembered. For some reason the worst memories always flood my mind first. The moment we found out she was gone, the way it felt to give her away, the coming home to such an empty room that had once been filled with such expectation.

But then, and it usually takes some direction, I remember the good things. I remember when she used to kick. I remember when she did things that made both me and Kyle laugh. I remember the awkward pregnancy moments that she created that made us smile. I remember seeing her and holding her for the very first time, my proudest moment, by far. Someone asked me not too long ago 'what has been the best moment of your life?' and of course holding her immediately came to mind.

And then I was proud. Standing there looking at a head stone like someone watches their child's first steps or their teenager's high school graduation or the moment their daughter walks down the aisle. I stood there so very proud of my little girl and I remembered all that she had done for the glory of the Lord.